Thursday, April 12, 2012
Freedom
12 more days come and gone. The relief I feel is so refreshing. It may be storming outside but I feel like the cloud over my head this past year has lifted. And the interesting thing is that big brother has assumed the responsibility for him. He's doing it a lot smarter than I did....maybe he would have sooner if I'd relinquished control. I am a broken person who is no longer trying to fix other broken people. I am going to learn to have fun again. I am going to say no more often. I am also going to say yes more often!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Well it's been 12 days since the earth shattering event that has had me going to the extreme of shunning my son.
When I met my husband he had two sons, 2 & 5 years old. In our marriage vows I promised to love them as if they were my very own. Together we had 2 more sons. At the ages of 7 & 9 a judge decided that he would split these brothers and give the oldest to us and the youngest to his ex. We begged the ex to not allow this to happen. We couldn't give up the oldest because he absolutely refused to live with her. So that's how it went until adulthood. With us every other weekend and with her the other. Even then we planned all family events as a family of six. Always waited until we were all together to celebrate. I consciously made sure that as much as it was in my power to treat them all as equals. This blending of families was hard...with so much craziness from the ex.
In my quest for answers I think I found one. My #2 son has "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". It explains so much. Everyone I have discussed this with is also in agreement. Unfortunately there is no cure and the sad thing is that even if there was he wouldn't agree to it be cause the narcissist isn't capable of recognizing his need for help. He is absolutely convinced that the problem is always someone else. And in this specific case the fault is always me.
For years I have tried to talk to him. I am an explainer. I like to know how/why/when things happened. I like to make others understand to. So I have talked myself blue in the face to him in an effort to get him to understand reasons for my actions. So have his dad and his brothers. Now I get he can't understand. He is broken. And he has broken me. No amount of LOVE will change him. And I can't deal with it any longer.
I struggle with my own demons of depression. As unfair as it is I have found medications that allow me to function "almost" normal. But these constant attacks on me from him have left me weary and fragile. As I get older I lack the ability to shake it off.
Last time I said I Hated him. Do I still feel that way? No. I feel sad and angry at what caused him to be who he is. I am sorry for him that he will never know real happiness or contentment. I grieve for his children. Can I say I love him? No....not yet.
When I met my husband he had two sons, 2 & 5 years old. In our marriage vows I promised to love them as if they were my very own. Together we had 2 more sons. At the ages of 7 & 9 a judge decided that he would split these brothers and give the oldest to us and the youngest to his ex. We begged the ex to not allow this to happen. We couldn't give up the oldest because he absolutely refused to live with her. So that's how it went until adulthood. With us every other weekend and with her the other. Even then we planned all family events as a family of six. Always waited until we were all together to celebrate. I consciously made sure that as much as it was in my power to treat them all as equals. This blending of families was hard...with so much craziness from the ex.
In my quest for answers I think I found one. My #2 son has "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". It explains so much. Everyone I have discussed this with is also in agreement. Unfortunately there is no cure and the sad thing is that even if there was he wouldn't agree to it be cause the narcissist isn't capable of recognizing his need for help. He is absolutely convinced that the problem is always someone else. And in this specific case the fault is always me.
For years I have tried to talk to him. I am an explainer. I like to know how/why/when things happened. I like to make others understand to. So I have talked myself blue in the face to him in an effort to get him to understand reasons for my actions. So have his dad and his brothers. Now I get he can't understand. He is broken. And he has broken me. No amount of LOVE will change him. And I can't deal with it any longer.
I struggle with my own demons of depression. As unfair as it is I have found medications that allow me to function "almost" normal. But these constant attacks on me from him have left me weary and fragile. As I get older I lack the ability to shake it off.
Last time I said I Hated him. Do I still feel that way? No. I feel sad and angry at what caused him to be who he is. I am sorry for him that he will never know real happiness or contentment. I grieve for his children. Can I say I love him? No....not yet.
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