Today is the last day of 2010.  We lost my father in law and my grandmother this year.  We welcomed our 9th grandchild by adoption and our 10th grandchild by birth. 

The new year will bring our 11th grandchild; our son and 3 grandboys home and at least one wedding.  We anticipate our Lake Tahoe trip, camping in Yosemite, wedding in Las Vegas and our once-in-a-lifetime Alaskan Cruise. 

I also hope it finds us in a new church home.  Walking closer with my Jesus and growing in my knowledge of Him. 

Goals:

New church home
Renewed walk with Jesus
Cementing friendships that will last a lifetime
Grow even closer to my family and my grandchildren
Be someone that can be depended on
Lose weight and be committed to my getting heathier.

Happy 2011!  Can't wait to see what it brings!

The week after....

Christmas Eve....the smell of bacon and coffee.  The beautiful faces of my children along with their children come through the door in waves.  Pancakes, egg casserole (with a missing ingredient - just not the same).  Anxious faces wanting to know "When?  When?"  The answer of course always the same, "Not until everyone is here and has eaten their breakfast."  The tree is trimmed to perfection.  The decorations are whimsical and arranged just so.  The gingerbread village created only days before is now snuggled between snow white tissue paper and the centerpiece of our table.  My heart is full of love, laughter and contentment.  We pick a "Santa Claus" the one who will take the gifts from under the tree and hand them out.  C doesn't want the job so it goes to E.  But, I don't think that KS or A understood the honor that had been bestowed on E and made for quite a comical and sometimes frustrating parade of gifts handed out.  I tried valiantly to get a picture of each person while they opened each gift...failing...not miserably...but yet knowing that some of the gifts weren't captured for posterity.  The joy...the "thank yous" that ring out over and over...the noise of gifts being played with all rise to a crescendo that lets me know that this was indeed a well done Christmas.  All the hard work, time and effort made for a perfect day.

But....now as they days have come and gone...I realize that there was no reference of any kind to this being a celebration of Jesus' birth.  Yes, there are nativities, praying Santas and books out that tell the truth of this day, this event, this moment.  But did I ever even mention His name?  Did we even stop and acknowledge His blessing on our food?  Did I even whisper "Happy Birthday, Jesus!" to myself?  The answer to all of these questions is, shamefully, no. 

Jesus was born in the filth and stench of a stable.  He was wrapped in rags.  He was hunted down by the King and had to flee for His life.  He came and experienced life - real, visceral and probably sometimes unending misery.  He came to die.  I was born to live.  That is the gift.  Because before His sacrifice....we were all dead.  Because He took my place....died because of my sin....not His own, because He didn't have any....I was reborn.  I live.  I laugh.  I love.  I celebrate.

I forget.

My own private Christmas Party

This year I decided to do something fun/crafty with my grandkids during their Christmas vacation.  I've never actually planned time to spend time with them....I just let it happen.  This year I bought several different Gingerbread House kits, a village, a large house, and a train.  A brought another large house that she had purchased.  So we had plenty of projects to go around.  I got so caught up in trying to make these buildings stick together that I forgot to take pictures, at first.  I did get photos of all the kids working on the houses except S.  I got him working on my second project, a reindeer made out of candy canes, yarn, ribbon and googly eyes.  I saw this project in a magazine and it looked easy and cute.  But I lost where the article was so I had to make them from memory.  They turned out cute....but not really like I remember the picture.  Oh well, the kids had fun and that's all that mattered.  We made some wonderful memories and I will always treasure that. 

Oh and by the way....Gingerbread Houses are HARD!  They are also terribly messy and the frosting stuff that they include in the package was basically worthless.  I used canned frosting and had to keep putting the houses into the refridgerator to harden the icing.  Now they are all sitting on the dining room table and one has collapsed completely and the other half it's roof has slid to the ground.  After a trip to the grocery store to replenish my icing supply...I will attempt repairs.  I think next year I will come up with a new project...but will ask the kids if they want to do it again.  If they love the tradition...then we'll just keep on doing it!

One tradition that we had for many years was when A, L and I would bake Christmas cookies together every year.  It was about a week long process of searching the internet for new recipies and making a list of all the new ingredients we would need.  I would purchase all of said ingredients and we would take a whole afternoon/evening and mix, bake and decorate to our heart content.  Most of the cookies were destined for our annual church cookie exchange.  Those memories are sweet and I will always treasure them.  But now that L isn't part of our family traditions anymore...baking cookies just doesn't seem like something I want to do....yet.

I want to make sure that we are making memories.  Creating family.  Building strong relationships that will stand the test of time and give strength to them as they venture out into this big bad world.  Family....however it's put together....that's what matters.

Speaking of family...there was a Father who sacrificed his only Son.  He chose me.  He sent His Son to become a part of us.  To live with us, to become human.  To know us.  To save us.  His birth we celebrate this Saturday...that was the beginning...but this we must remember...He was born to die.  In my place.

Thank You!

It's a New World

So....I go from not knowing anything about Meth and drug addiction to an education in the last few months that I never thought I'd have to know.  Yes, I've know about the drug use of all of  my children...even going with their Dad to a crack house years ago to drag one of them out of it.  But...thankfully....it always seemed to be a phase...they all seemed to decide that isn't what they wanted and appeared to not have any problem turning their back on it.  It was probably much harder and I'm sure that I am probably unaware of many things that they did and went through.  Anyhow...where am I going with this?

Prodigal Son has admitted to a long term use of Meth and became a middle man for drug dealers in order to get free drugs.  What a scary world and my mind boggles at what my grandkids must have been going thru while said son and his now ex-wife, were off in their fairyland of drug induced irresponsibility.  He says he's been clean for 3 months.  Now his old "friends" have invaded his home and his safety.  Now he's involved in investigations, stings and undercover work.  Now I am afraid. 

Lord, please protect this child, his children and those he loves.  I am here....he is there...only You can have eyes on him....and only You can protect him.  Please allow him to come home, soon!

1 Corinthians 13 For Women

If I live in a house that is spotless, perfectly in order,

and people are not free to LIVE

because my home is more important than my family

I have not love,

I have kept a house

I have not made a home.

If I spend an exorbitant amount of money on decorations

and care more about the appearance of my house

than the atmosphere of my home

I have not love,

and my children learn materialism, not godliness.

If I control my husband

responding in irritation to him,

finding only fault in him

and not seeking to build him up,

I have not love,

and my children learn to disrespect their father,

not to honor him.

Love is patient - seeking to avoid conflict

Love it kind - seeking to be a blessing.

Love lays aside it's "rights" to serve.

Love sees the comfort of another as more important than its own.

Love continually looks for ways to build up,

Love is not critical, demanding or self seeking.

Love accepts the role that God has given

and sees it as a privilege, not a put down.

Love studies how to fulfill that role

in the most God glorifying way it can.

Before I was an adult I thought life revolved around me.

Then I took on the responsibilities of marriage.

Now I see that life revolves around others

and God's glory!

All the expectations I had for my marriage

and my life

must fade away into insignificance.

What should remain is the gospel!

The gospel reminds me of how full of grace and mercy God has been,

how full of grace and mercy I need to be,

and that I need to offer up my life

as a living sacrifice.

Now there abides in my home a husband and children,

and I am called to point them to Jesus

in all that I do,

I could seek to have my own way and my own comfort,

But the greatest thing of all

The most important thing

is love...

The love of God that I show them each day

a love the I am unable to show

unless He loves THROUGH me!

On This Post I discussed my broken relationships.  I prayed that my prodigal son would someday want to return to his family.  Well....God is in the process of answering that praying in a mighty way!  He is moving home.  It is going to be complicated and probably a very difficult adjustment....but we are moving forward not backwards and that is a plus.  My heart is so excited to know that my 3 grandsons will be close to me and I can participate in their everyday life.  Thank you God for answered prayers!!!!!

For A and KS

Legacy of an Adopted Child


Once there were two women, who had not met each other.
One you sweetly remember, the other you call mother.


Two different lives, shaped to make yours one.
One became your guiding star; the other became your sun.


The first gave you life and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love, and the second was there to give it.


One gave you a nationality; the other gave you a name.
One gave you seeds of talent; the other gave you an aim.


One gave you emotions; the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.


One placed you, which was all that she could do.
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.


And now you ask me, through your fears,
the age old question unanswered throughout the years...


Heredity or environment, which are you the product of?
Neither, my darling neither. Just two different kinds of love.

*Author Unknown*

I am Thankful!

1. For what Jesus did on the cross....Thank You Jesus for taking my place and giving me such an amazing gift!

2. For my husband....Thank you for loving me. You are my best friend and I love you!

3. For my boys....You are what made my life have meaning. I am so proud to be your mom.

4. For my girls...A, M and S....the daughters I always prayed for. I am so thankful to have you in my life (for a lot more reasons than just helping to make things a little more even between the guys and girls!) I am proud of all of you!

5. For my grandchildren....C, E, S, A, KS, T, C, J, JJ, L and A.....you are my heart. You are laughter, fun, joy and sometimes even a chance for a "do over"! I love you!!!

6. For my old friends. Wow. The meaning of friends and friendship has really come into focus this year. You know who you are and what you've done to get me through this past year. For all of you I am truly thankful!

7. For my new friends...loving getting to know you!

8. For my extended family....we don't see each other often....talk as much as we should...but I am thankful for you and love you very much.

I don't think I've shared yet that.....

I love NASCAR.  Have loved it for years.  Picked my guy....Casey Mears...and cheered for him up until this year when it was obvious that he probably wouldn't have a regular ride.  But....if you ever get a steady ride, Casey....I'll be here for you!

So this year I've been cheering for Carl Edwards, mostly.  And he's won the last two races.  Today was the very last race of the season and he won...but his win was overshadowed by JJ winning the championship for the 5th year in a row.  But emphasis on the last race.  I hate that there aren't any more races till February.  Boo Hoo. 

So here's a note to all you Sprint Cup Nascar drivers.....I need a guy to cheer for.  I need one of you to step up next season and really get me excited about cheering for you.  It  may still be Carl....or Tony....or Junior....I promise I will stick with you for the whole season....but guys...we have to agree that JJ has to be dethroned...it's getting boring. 

Just letting you know, Nascar.

My Grandson's 14th Birthday

Today is C's birthday.  He turned 14.  I know, I know, we all say, "where did the time go?"  But really....how is it he's 14?  I became a Nana at the age of 40.  The first one in my peer group.  The circumstances of his birth were that his parents were unmarried and weren't sure if they ever would marry.  Because of my faith and my experiences before this...I really thought I'd probably reject my child if they'd ever had sex outside of marriage or even worse...came up pregnant.  How naive I was.  This was my son, and we were going to support him and her through this no matter what it took.  That got a lot of different responses from the church people.  Mostly I think they just wished I wouldn't be so open and excited about it.  But this was a baby!  My first grandchild.  How he came into the world didn't change the fact that he was indeed coming into this world.  And he needed to be loved.  He needed a two parent, intact family.  And this became our mission.  And now....14 years later...he is in a loving, stable, two-parent, intact family.  A lot of the credit goes to J and A....but I think that G and I had a lot to do with that....and of course I don't think any of us would be here if we hadn't trusted the Lord with our feelings, our decisions and our responses to our children.  Lord, THANK YOU for the gift of C.  I love being his Nana and I wouldn't have wanted this journey to turn out any other way!  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

My own worst enemy sometimes....

Today in my nutrition class we discussed emotional eating.  And then I immediately went to Albertsons and bought mac and cheese, 4 cheese pasta and m&m's.  I also bought tomatos, bananas, carrots.  So far I've eaten one banana, a handful of m&m's and all of the mac and cheese...all because I am home alone and can get away with it.  I am not angry, not upset, not lonely, not bored, not stressed.  So then, why do I undermine my own self?  I am working my butt off at the gym and eating really good during the week...but come Friday I blow it.  I am doomed.

As of the 8th

I lost another 4.5 inches....and a whole 1 pound of pure fat.  But the scale hasn't moved and she is attributing it to putting on lean muscle mass....we'll see.  Trying not to be discouraged.

I want a new house....

I really, REALLY want a new house.  I want a huge family room with a fireplace where we can all fit at the same time.  I want a huge dining room that we can all fit around the table for family dinners and holiday celebrations.  I want a beautiful room for my scrapbook room.  I want an office with real cabinets, desks and lots and lots of storage.  I want an extra room to turn into an exercise room.  I want a guestroom and a playroom.  I want a laundry room that is it's own destination not a walk through.  And it would be wonderful if that laundry room had places to hang damp clothes and a sink.  I want a huge walk in shower in our new master bedroom.  I want a big backyard with a pool, deck, dog run and grass.  I want a 3 car garage.  I want there to be a shop at the back of the property for all my husband's tools and a place for him to build, create and also maintain our trucks. 

I'm sure by now you noticed that these are things that "I want."  Notice that I haven't mentioned what G wants.  He wants to retire.  He wants to be financially set for life.  He wants to be sensible.  He wants to be open and reasonable.  He wants to give me everthing I want and more.  He wants me to be happy.  And if happiness means all of the above...he'll do it.  But... at what cost? 

Lord, I am praying that you make me content with what I have.  Help me to be smart about this.  If this new house search is from You, then find us a house that meets everything I need and want in a way that won't compromise what Gary needs, too.  Most of all Lord, help me to be true to my own purpose...to love those who You have placed in my life...to put their needs and wants above my own.  Thank you Father!

New Journey of Friendship

On Tuesday I began a journey with a friend that will be long and hard.  I pray that it will also be rewarding, joyous and ultimately have a happy ending.  I am committed to this journey even though I understand that it may take more emotional energy and spiritual reserves than I have ever used before in a friendship.  G is on this journey with me.  It is time to save a life.  I will not lose another friendship to circumstance or indifference.  If you read this...just please pray for G and I....we are going to need the wisdom, patience and love that comes from God in massive doses over the next few weeks and months.

Lessons Learned

There are some things that I regret,

Some words I wish had gone unsaid,

Some starts,

That could have had some better endings,

Been some bad times I've been through,

Damage I cannot undo.

Some things,

I wish I could do all over again,

But it doesn't really matter,

When life gets that much harder,

It makes you that much stronger,

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were,

Lessons learned.

Every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,

Every change, life has thrown me,

I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,

I'm grateful, for every scar,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned.

There are mistakes that I have made,

Some chances I just threw away,

Some roads,

I never should have taken,

Been some signs I didn't see,

Hearts that I hurt needlessly,

Some wounds,

That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,

But it doesn't make a difference,

The past can't be rewritten,

You get the life you're given,

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were,

Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,

Every change, life has thrown me,

I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,

I'm grateful, for every scar,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,

Are the things that make you strong!

You can't change the past,

Cause it's gone.

And you just gotta move on,

Because it's all

Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,

From every change, life has thrown me.

I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,

I'm grateful, for every scar,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned,

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned,

Lessons learned.

Lessons learned.

(Song written by Diane Warren)

Working Out

So I have started back to the gym.  Seriously!  I hired a nutritionist and a personal trainer.  I work out with the latter on Mon and Wed....group class on Tues and Thurs....and nutritionist and cardio on Friday.  So far I've lost 3 pounds and 7.25 inches.  Not bad....not good....but not bad!   K - my personal trainer - kicks my butt!  My first goal is to get under 200 pounds so I can have my hernia surgery.  Then after recuperating from that I plan on continuing to lose so I can look good for J & M's wedding in June - in VEGAS!  Then after that....the secret that will be revealed next week!   So much to look forward to and I am committed to achieving my goals!

Broken Relationships

I've certainly had my share!  Some were intentional...on my part.  People who I couldn't allow to poison my life anymore.  Maybe because I had to do this at a very early age...13, to be exact...it became a pattern in my life.  When I didn't get along with someone I would just shut them out and move on.  Or circumstances like moving or distance altered the relationship and I just didn't take the time to pursue them.  Now that I'm in my 50's...and due to my previously shared project....memories of those broken relationships  have me running the gamut of emotions.  Sad that some didn't make it...happy that others didn't make it either!  Happy for those people that God positioned in my life for a "moment" to take us both to a more mature relationship with Him and/or learning to become a better friend, mother and wife. There are some who I've made attempts to reconnect with and am hoping for a new "grown-up" friendship with.

But then there are the ones that hurt, deeply!!  I miss the fact that my mom and I never got a chance to be in an adult relationship.  She makes so much more sense to me now than when I saw her through the eyes of a child.  I think we would have learned to cherish each other more and more as I began to identify with her struggles and the choices she had then...compared to the choices I have now.   I believe that when she died she knew I loved her.  I and knew she loved me.  Even though I'm sure I never understood the depth of her love and the depth of her sorrow in the choices she made...and the ones I made. 

2 years ago, when I thought I'd lost J...it almost killed me.  "Oh, so this is what it feels like to have your heart ripped out!"  Along with that temporary loss was the permanent loss of L. The pain of that time was the worst...but the growth and knowledge of what I am capable of both emotionally and relationally...was "almost" worth it.  The healing power of love that has built our family stronger and closer.  Right now my life should be complete but...

There is still one missing.  One who stands outside the circle of our family.  Who needs us for material things but ignores our need for relationship.  Who uses his children as emotional weapons and breaks my heart on a weekly basis.  When the girls say we should get all the grandkids together for pictures...my answer is..."But, they aren't all here!"  Later, someday, don't you think it will hurt them to see photos of the "whole" family but they aren't in it?  I don't just have 3 children and 7 going on 8 grandchildren.  I have 4 sons and 10 going on 11 grandchildren and everytime we get together I am reminded of those who aren't here. 

That is my prayer...that this one prodigal son would allow himself to re-join the family.  I know that physically he is miles away...but with technology and communication those miles could be erased a lot more often.  I want to know my grandsons and I want them to know me.  I wonder if my past broken relationships are coming back to haunt me....as you sow...so shall you reap.   Only God and time will tell.

Memories

Have been working on a huge project...getting all the boxes and boxes of stuff out of the attic....stuff I saved to sort "later" and then the time was here.  Finding bits and pieces of treasures...and junk...and trash.  The interesting thing is some of the things that used to be "precious" just arn't anymore.  I tossed all my Palm Springs memoribilia....all my Forest Home stuff....well I saved the report cards and pictures...but every letter I ever received....gone.  Just not interested anymore...and frankly don't even remember most of the people who sent them.  And I didn't want to burden my family with dealing with them later.  And they don't care about that...I never talked about it...and most of it wasn't very happy anyway.  Did they need to know that I went by "Skipper" most of the time?  Oh and I tossed the Campus Crusade for Christ stuff too....except for Dick and Becky's stuff.  That was special. That means something to who I am today.  Learned a few things about my mom, too.  Threw all stuff regarding J & C and DR....that whole mess....gone....nothing left.  Not a stitch of paper left of those years and years of pain and destruction and the legacy it has left.  Thought that maybe someday J & C might want to see everything we did for them....the fight we put up....but on paper it was just ugly.  I am reminded almost daily of the legacy of those years...and prefer to soften the affects of both sides by not leaving it in black and white.  Nobody wins...we all were damaged and have scars to show for it.  But God's Grace didn't leave us there....He has healed old wounds, patched up relationships and brought us to who we are now.  The family we are.  Still have one child who prefers to stand a bit outside of where we'd like him...but time may heal that, too.  I found some of my old writings...poems...songs.  Saved those for the kids to laugh at later!  And another thing I found that was interesting was that I found probably 20 or more letters that I had written....epistles really....telling about my life....pages long letters....that I never sent.  Even in my own estimation...they were pretty good letters...and mostly handwritten....why didn't they get sent?  Why would I take the time to write these essays and not send them?  I honestly don't know.  I tossed some and saved some...some that might give my kids insight into who I was at a particular time in my life.  Oh and the old crushes and boyfriends....Scott, Ira, Jim, Randall, Randy, Mike, Bob, and probably a few more I can't remember.  Love letters and cards to Gary....definitely kept those!  Cute papers the kids wrote in school.  Saved the good stuff.  Probably threw out some good stuff.  But in the end...it is just stuff....and to have reduced it by about 8 garbage bags (the big outdoor ones) feels good, too.  Probably being the mother of boys helps...my boys aren't that sentimental...at least not yet.  And don't get me wrong....I've saved plenty.  So someday....if they read this....they'll know....I tried.  And it's much better organized than they deserve, too. 

It's a boy!

Were you surprised?  Score is 9 boys to two girls.  We have a softball team + two cheerleaders.  His name has not been decided yet...but it may start with an A or a C.  We'll see.  He looked so cute all snug as a bug in his mama's womb.

LM is 8 weeks on Sunday.  It goes soo fast.  He's starting to smile, drool and still isn't sleeping very well.  I feel bad for M not getting much sleep...but she still has a sweet spirit and isn't grumply like I would be. 

One hour

Only one more hour and then we'll know..........

3 More Days....

In three days we will find out if G & S are having a boy or a girl.  I can't help but hope for the girl....I would love that...but I am loving the boys as well.  I guess since getting A and KS...it just isn't that important anymore.  S's pregnancy hasn't been easy so far...she's had a kidney infection practically this whole time, diagnosed with gestational diabetes, low iron and she's been in a pretty bad mood, too.  I am praying that she starts to enjoy this journey soon....and that we she allows us to enjoy it with her.  I am excited to see the ultrasound on Tuesday night....and begin to get to know the newest of my grandchildren. 

One Month....

L is one month old today.  4 weeks and 3 days to be exact.  I love him from the depths of my being.  I was worried that he might replace my other grandkids in my heart...being that we are actually related by blood...but not to worry!  Just as T, A, JJ & KS are buried deep in my heart and are mine - and they aren't related to any of us by blood....L takes his place in the depths of my heart where love grows, expands, swells and enlarges my heart...why did I worry?  There is no limit to my heart's capacity to love...it can't be replaced...just added to.  Although sometimes our love for our children and grandchildren can cause our hearts to break and feel as though we may not be able to go on...the pieces stay connected by love...the love stays...no matter the pain and no matter the time that goes by....the love stays!  Welcome to my heart L...you are in good company!

~You are in my heart~

In a conversation today with A...she's 4....about family. 

A:  "Nana, I don't want you to get married!"
Me: "But, I am already married."
A:  "Why"
Me:  "Because Papa and I are a family."
A:  "Am I in your family?"
Me:  "Yes, you are a part of my family."
A:  "Because I am in your heart?"
Me: "Yes, A..., you are definitely in my heart!"

Today is my 2nd newest grandson's 4th birthday!

We haven't even known each other for a year yet.  I think we met sometimes last October...maybe it was November 3rd...for Papa's birthday....I would have to go back and look at the Calendar.  You were so shy...not letting go of Mommy at all...staying on her lap.  You were only three and a couple of months and so unsure of these people you never met.  I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you.  Over the next few months I really did wonder if you'd ever really warm up to us.  Going to see daddy race every week...that helped break some of the ice.  And when you fell and skinned your knee at the races you let me hold you and comfort you.  My heart almost burst!  I saw you get more and more comfortable with the other kids...even making S you best friend...you love him so much!  My ipod helped a lot too...you love that thing and Nana makes sure she has all the fun games and movies loaded on it to keep you happy.  Now when you see me and Papa you come running...you freely give hugs (no kisses - but you are a boy!) You are happy to see us anytime.  You are a wonderful big brother to LM and I love to watch you when you hug and kiss him.  We celebrated your birthday with a family party last Monday night....your's and daddy's.  Today is your time to celebrate with Mommy's side of the family and I bet you are having a blast!  Tomorrow is the big party at PIU and I can't wait to see you have so much fun (and taking lots and lots of pictures!)  And I look forward to spending time with you the whole year to come...you have become a part of my heart and I love you very much!

I love scrapbooking!

I love that I've had some time the last few days to scrapbook.  The thing is...that rarely does anybody ever look at them.  Unless I delibrately show them....nobody asks to see them.  Why do I still do it?  For me it is the process...the raw photos, deciding the colors to use...the layout.  I used to wonder what my scrapbooking "style" is...and have decided that I am very linear...like things to be straight and equally spaced.  I like borders.  I can put things off-kilter to an extent...but hate it when the whole page is off.  I also like the collage style.  It is something I would love to master...but usually have to copy off of others to get it right.  I love finding that one right photo and creating around it.  I just got a new camera and have been amazed at how many "right" photos I've been able to take.  So I guess I'll go print out a few and see what I can come up with!

Tomorrow is my baby's 24th B'day.

24 years?  How can that be?  I don't know how I can convince anybody of how fast the time actually goes.  But...fast it is.  A breath...a blink...a moment...and no matter how hard anyone tries, nobody can stop it...but back to that 24 year old....

Born September 5th, 1986.  His due date!  I was miserably hot and wanted nothing more that to have the Dr get this baby out of me.  Unfortunately, the Monday before his due date was Labor Day and therefore not a "surgery" day for the Dr.  So he scheduled me to have J by C-Section the following Monday, the 8th.  Went I went for a check on the 4th...I begged the Dr. him to take him out...but of course (being a male Dr) he laughed it off and said I would be fine until Monday.  I didn't feel fine!  But...as I went home I discovered that his brother, who was only 22 months old, had a fever and was quite sick.  I remember actually saying a little prayer of thanks that I hadn't talked the Dr into delivering me...I knew that by Monday whatever brother had would have probably passed and and I could leave him for 3 days without as much worry and guilt.   About two am I woke up to go to the bathroom (as most pregnant women do hundreds of times a day and night!) and the water wouldn't stop.  Not a big gush...it just kept running out of me!  (I had had his big brother by scheduled C-Section so this was all new to me!)  I woke G up and his take on the situation was "Why don't we wait until morning to call the Dr?"  When I explained to him that I was in labor (actually beginning to feel quite strong contractions) and that I wasn't supposed to give birth naturally to this baby...he woke up and started helping get ready to go.  Our neighbor came over to stay with big brother until my parents could come get him.  I was torn between joy at meeting my new little guy...to leaving G who wasn't feeling well at all.  But as my contractions got stronger and stronger....of course I knew getting to the hospital was the thing to do...now!  After arriving at the hospital we were put in a labor room...hooked up to monitors and left quite alone.  My contractions got stronger and stronger and I was worried that I'd give birth to this child before the Dr. arrived.  Sometime after 4 am the Dr arrived and I was given my spinal and taken to surgery.  J was born at 4:55 a.m. on his due day!  From what I remember he had lots of dark hair and even though he was 9 pounds 1 ounce...he looked long and skinny to me compared to his brother...because he was also 22 inches long...2 inches longer that his brother had been. Later that day as the nurse was rolling him into the room in his little bassinette...I saw a blonde haired baby....I was confused and told the nurse that I didn't think that that was my baby...my baby had dark hair....and just as she was opening her mouth to try and convince me that it was my baby....I heard another nurse yelling down the hall..."That's the wrong baby!  That's not her baby!"  We laughed!  I got my baby and all was well.  And now...that baby is a grown man with a son of his own.  A breath....a blink...a moment....

I have a new Grandson!

So far the only thing I can tell that he has of me are my hands.  Long fingers.  Like my own mother's.  I was hoping to see my eyes, but no - he has M's eyes.  Nose?  To soon to tell...but probably J's...from his daddy's side of the family.  Mouth?  Well it sure is cute and he make so many faces.  He smiles when he's dreaming....I know they say newborns can't smile...and it's probably not on purpose...but it sure is cute!  That is one of my goals...to get a close up photo of this amazing smile!  He is very alert when awake and is already on a 3 hour feeding schedule.  I have managed to see him at least every other day...which is something I was wondering if I would be able to do.  M has been wonderful.  At first I thought that I would have to compete with her mom....and the first week that is exactly what it seemed to be.   But I decided not to be jealous and not to let it get to me. 

So let me tell the birth story.....

They broke her water at 9:20 a.m. Sunday the 15th.  She immediately went into labor and didn't need any assistance after that.  After the first two hours she went form 2 to 5 and put in her order for an epidural.  I have to say that she was a trooper...those contractions got to be very intense and painful.  I thought that after her kidney stone pain that she'd hardly even feel contractions...but I was wrong.  She felt them and they were intense!  After the epdural she was so calm and content.  Her contractions were quite substantial and she had a picture perfect pattern going.  They told her they would wait until she felt the urge to push and then check her again.  (There was one other mom in the birthing center having her baby - we were sharing the same Doctor.)  So they checked M again around 4...she was at 10!  But she wasn't having the urge to push so as long as she was comfortable they decided to get the other baby delivered first.  But being she was a 1st time mom...it wasn't going as fast as they expected.  So then they decided to deliver M first....so they kicked all of us out of the room (except for M's mom and sister and J) and had her start pushing.  She pushed for 7 minutes and there he was!  Our LMB born at 6:15 p.m. on August 15th.  I snuck out of the waiting room and stood outside the door listening for his cry...but all was quiet.  As soon as they finished stiching her (small epesiotomy) I got to go in.  He was laying on her chest with his eyes wide open and totally quiet.  Of course I started shooting photos right away!  No one had gotten to hold him yet...not even J.  That selfishly made me kinda happy because I was afraid I'd be the last to hold him!  I was able to get a photo of the 1st time J held him....so sweet.  We stayed for a few hours and then left to hopefully let them get some rest.  L and M were in the hospital for 2 days...he came home on the 17th.  They were a little worried about him because he seemed a little too relaxed and sleepy.  On Monday the did his little circucision...he was a trooper...the Dr said he slept through it. 

He is the cutest...he has long fingers and big feet.  Really chubby cheeks....and he's ticklish on his back.  He makes the cutest faces...his expression is constantly changing.  He is able to wear newborn clothes...but probably not for more than another week.  They are going to be too short for him.

We are headed to see him....

He's Here!!!!

LM...born 8-15-10 at 6:15 p.m. 8 pounds 10 ounces 22 inches long!

Dark hair, chubby cheeks...absolutely perfect!  Will write more about my feelings later. Trying to soak it all in.

No baby yet...

Inducing tomorrow morning!  LM birthday should be August 15th!

No Baby Yet....but....

M went to the Dr this AM and she said that if nothing happens before Sunday they will induce her at 8:00 AM Sunday morning.  I am getting so antsy waiting to meet this little one that I can hardly make myself do anything but think about him!  I feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas!  I never had to wait this long for any of my other grandchildren...they were all born several weeks early...so this is HARD!  Good job, M for keeping this one in full term!  Hurry up L!  Nana can't wait!!!!!!

No baby yet...............

No baby yet...............

No baby yet

Babies...

G and S's baby is due March 22nd.  And J & M's baby is due ANY MINUTE!!!  She is 50% effaced and two centimeters dilated and they stripped her membranes today.  I went over there today and got all the laundry caught up...the house vacuumed (after totally doing surgery on her vacuum because it was sooooo plugged up!  And it was a Dyson...I thought those were supposed to never clog!), the paint scrubbed out of kitchen sink and all the trash out to the garage.  Oh and sheets changed.  So we are ready!!!!!  Come on L...I can't wait to meet you, to hold you, to smell you, to have your heart beat next to mine.  I feel like that lady on the old Mervyn's commercial...."open..open..open!"

Today is another AWESOME day!

One of the reasons why I started this blog was to remember my thoughts and feelings while anticipating the birth of my 10th and 1st grandchild.  10th because he will be the 10th but 1st because he will be the first that I am related to by blood and therefore the 1st one that will have some of me in him.  And now....I get to celebrate the 11th!!!!  We went out to dinner for S's 24th birthday party and as we were leaving....actually started the car and waiting to drive away......G and S came up to the jeep and said we couldn't leave yet because they had something to tell us.  So we got out of the car and waited....then G - with a little bit of panic in his eyes - said, "S's pregnant."  Just one sentence that changed our lives forever...well...and theirs too!  G is still in shock...hasn't quite figured out what comes next....but I know he will be an awesome dad....and I told him so.  We told them we would be there for them no matter what and whatever they needed.  She has her first Dr appointment tomorrow morning and G is going with her so they are starting off on the right foot. 

When I asked her when she found out she said that a conversation that we'd had a couple of weeks ago got her to thinking she better take a test.  We were driving over to the coast together because her car had been repo'd (bummer) and they had taken it all the way to Grover Beach?!!!  Anyhow...somehow the conversation turned to birth control and ooops baby's etc....so I told her the story of how I was on birth control and even into my 4th month when I finally put all the pieces together and realized I was pregnant with J.  I told her how I didn't have morning sickness .... I was just exhausted.  Could hardly stay awake and had starting gaining some weight.  I guess S realized that she was experiencing a lot of the same symptoms...so she took a test the next day.  And the rest is history!  Of course she told her whole family and A knew a whole week before we did!!!  She wanted G to tell us so it took him that much time to get up the nerve....I don't get it....I am not a scary person...but they all have such a hard time breaking the news to us. 

We are 4 for 4.  All 4 sons have put the cart before the horse.  I don't know why.  All I know is that I am going to love my children and grandchildren wholly and unconditionally and leave the rest up to the Lord.  Some of them have been more successful than others....I can only pray that this new baby will bring G and S to a place of love and committment and marriage.  Because that is what is best for this new little one....

How did I get to be so lucky....I have more family now than I could have dreamed of when I was a little girl.....and I am filled with joy.  When people ask if God can make something good out of something meant for evil....a little girl that was used, abused and was told she would never amount to anything.....to now...God restored me and gave me a new family who love and support me from thousands of miles away...God made me a wife to a man who loves me unconditionally...a mother of 4 strong sons....and increased my family to 9....going on 10....going on 11 grandchildren. 

Thank You Lord!  Thank You!  Thank You!  Thank You!

Today is my Birthday!

Wow!  54 years old!  Time really does just go by so fast....a breath....a heartbeat...and here I am.  Are there times that I would like to go back to?  Maybe...to my wedding...I'd be less worried about details and just be present in the moment......to the birth of my children...how I would try and remember the moments...at the time you think that you will always remember...but time has its way of fading out the moments...of blurring who did what.  Of course there are moments that I would change if I could.  I'd be less demanding, less angry, less busy, less competitive.  But...then I wouldn't be here.  And here is where I belong. Here where I am still learning, struggling, sharing joy and sorrows.  And the journey continues......

Allow me to tell you a little bit about myself....

This is also an response to the Bible Study I am currently working on:

I am a sinner, saved by Grace.  I am the 3rd of 5 and the oldest of 3.  I am broken, scarred and imperfect.  I am strong willed and fearless sometimes; shy and panic stricken at other times.  I am severely chemically imbalanced - as was my mother before me.  I am made whole by the Holy Spirit, modern medicine and just plain hard work.  I love my husband more today than any other day; I love my 4 sons equally yet differently.  I love my grandchildren in a totally different way than my own children...but not more or less.  I love to have my family around me - especially the chaos it creates.  I also love my quiet alone time.  I am great in a crisis - quick thinking and a doer.  After the crisis has resolved itself I usually take to my bed for 24 hours!  I love to laugh, to sing, to talk to friends, to scrapbook, to take road trips, to watch movies and to watch TV. I love the mountains.  I love waterfalls.  I have a singular, God given purpose...and that purpose is to loves those He has placed in my life wholly and unconditionally. My prayer is that through me I will reflect Jesus and they will discover their need for Him also. 

Time with the grandkids

Last night G and I got to spend the evening with J & M and JJ.  I helped M and her friend fold baby clothes, hang them and put them away.  What a joy to help!  I had so much fun and I am so grateful that M lets me participate and share in this.  It means soooo much!

Today I got to have E, S, A and KS for the afternoon and evening.  What fun they can be...and what work!  My  A is diagnosed with ADHD and EDD and Attachment Disorder...this may sound horrible but the positive is that she is off the charts smart.  She is quick to talk back and today told me that she was going to "kick my butt!"  I wanted to laugh...but I did put her in timeout.  I love her to pieces and am so proud of J and A as they work with her to develop her personality so that she can cope in the "real world."  And I am convinced that she will do well...and I am so thankful she is ours.  What if she ended up with some other family who didn't care or punished her for things beyond her control?  What if they lost patience and abused her.  As difficult as it may be in the future...with all of us working as a team along with her couselors...she is in the best place she could be.  And my KS...she's become a climber...climbing onto the kitchen table and then crying because she can't get down.  Baby gates are probably only going to be a temporary solution...she's gonna figure them out really fast!  And the doggie door...she loves to go out the doggie door...and ends up outside unsupervised....and her little bow legged walk...I can't get enough of how cute she is!  She jabbers as if she is having a real conversation...on and on...I guess she knows what she's saying!   And tonight I get E and S overnight...S's idea...I don't mind...but I'm hoping they go to sleep soon! 

Anyhow...I enjoy spending time with them and I want them to know how much I love them and want to be a part of their everyday lives!

Jealousy

I know, it's not a pretty thing.  And I do want to be pretty...I want to appear to be pretty and in all truth I really want my insides to be pretty too.  There are people that I love...loved.  Friends...old friends...who mattered.  I thought that I mattered, too.  But I don't.  Probably never did.  That's not true...to one of them I know I did matter.  Did.  Past tense.  But for some reason I can't let go.  I still read their blogs...which just reinforces the fact that I don't matter.  But...also...as I read...I realize that they aren't just excluding me and flaunting it in my face...because I don't even see them anymore.  But I think of the ones that still see them every week...watch them...listen to their stories (and yes, they are very much storytellers...and love to share!) laughing as if their stories and little anecdotes are so cute and wonderful that everybody else must be held spellbound by their attention grabbing tales...not realizing that while they're laughing on the outside...they are asking themselves...."why just them? why not me?  am I not good enough? why are their accounts of their days and weeks so much more interesting than mine?  why wasn't I invited?" and I'm sure many more questions.  Why do women have to be so insensitive to others?  My prayer is that as I begin this new chapter in my life...as I move forward...that I will hold those special close to my heart and not hesitate to do wonderful and awesome things with them...but to be careful to whom I tell those stories...even on FB I need to be careful not to exclude or brag.   And to those women who I am speaking of...those 4 who openly boast of their relationship with each other and God...please be careful.  And I will work on letting go of my jealousy...it isn't pretty...and maybe I'll even quit looking at those blogs...and I hope this blog never becomes a place to brag about what I have at the expense of those who don't.

I've been thinking a lot lately about....

With the impending birth of my newest grandson and many of my friends children are pregnant and due soon...I've been thinking about the births of all of my grandchildren.  I remember waiting outside the door of the birthing room for C's first cry and the sounds of happiness all around as those of us waiting  burst into cheers and laughter!  I remember the nurse handing him to me first...for a moment I considered keeping you...but I handed you to the other grandma...I knew it was the right thing to do...but I really didn't want to do it!  I remember pacing in the waiting room as E was being born by emergency C-section...worrying and praying for both baby and mom...he was so tiny - she was still so sick  I remember trying to get you to eat...you really didn't want to at first.  I can remember changing your diaper on my lap...you were so little. Mom got better and I had the privledge of driving you both home in my new car.  I remember traveling back and forth to UCLA - waiting for C to be born...and then actually watching him be born....what an amazing experience and he holds a very special part of my heart because of it.  We thought he was perfect...but he had breathing problems and had to stay a few days extra.  Then came one I will never know...one I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and cried and cried and prayed and prayed for 3 1/2 months....but the answer was no.  "No, I don't want to have another baby right now!"  No, I can't handle it!  No!  I am to selfish to care about "it" and you and life!"    The one who I wonder were you a boy or a girl?  What would your name have been?  Dark hair like C or light hair like J?  Brown eyes or blue?  My heart aches to hold you, to breath in your smell, to feel your skin, to have your heart beat next to mine, to hold you as you sleep and dream.  But...the answer was no.  Then came J....once again countless trips to UCLA...mixed feelings...at first scared that your mom would make the same decision again..then resentment that she could choose to keep you and not another.  Anger...I did feel anger, too...for C and K.  How lightly they took the priviledge of creating life.  And how uncaring for the life she carried and wanting her own comfort above the best for you.  Forcing herself into early labor...forcing all of us to bow down to her whims, to change our schedules and priorities for her...resentment...yes - a lot of resentment building.  Then I had to leave to go and say goodbye to my Grandma...flying clear across the country wondering if he would be born while I was away...would she take care of him?  I made it back...and J was born 1 hour after I got the phone call that my grandma had died.  Again, I watched him be born.  Again rejoicing in the miracle that he was here...seeing how tiny he was and knowing that he wasn't OK...born too early...rushed to NICU and while C & K slept...I stayed up with you all night long by your bassinet...singing, praying, telling you all my hopes and dreams...all night while you had tubes and wires and medicines I held your hand...you were so beautiful!  How was I to know that we would never have the chance to get to know each other...that your mom would separate us for months on end....even years.  We have missed so much!  And then came S. I was angry that your Mom was going to put her health on the line again...I thought she would die with E. But in my heartache for J and my joy in knowing that we were having another grandchild I soon put aside my fear and just enjoyed the pregnancy with your mom. Well as much as I could...Mom really didn't do all that well pregnant. But even with another very sick mom and another emergency C-section...you were born perfect and beautiful and almost angelic! You had personality from the get go and we often say..."what would we do without our S!"



And to  the four grandchildren who I wasn't there for at your birth....I still remember the first time I saw you.  For T it was when you were about 9 months old and your mom and dad came over with you...you had so much personality and were just learning to walk.  You were in a pair of red zippered pajamas and your smile lit up the room.  I knew then that you were mine.  And you always will be!   Then there was A...3 months old and plopped into our lives and from the moment your mom laid her eyes on you...she knew you were her heart's desire.  We didn't follow any of the rules.  We named you right away and rarely let the thought cross our minds that we may not be able to keep you.  You were the grandaughter we had prayed for and we were over the moon to have you!  Then came KS...WOW...what a surprise she was.  She was just a 30 day emegency placement...no different that the 10 or 15 others that A had taken in.  As usual mom would call me and ask if I wanted to go with her to the hospital to pick up a newborn...and 9 times out of 10 I always did!  We loved going to the hospital and getting to take a brand new baby home...it was fun and temporary.  We already had our grandaughter!  But...I knew from the moment I saw you...dressed you and held you.  I knew.  I knew my heart was going to be broken because I fell in love with you from the moment I laid my eyes on you.  But I couldn't say it.  I couldn't ask your mom and dad to adopt you and have 5 children!  I just couldn't.  The month went by...and mommy rolled you over to long term.  "Just so you didn't have to change homes until an adoptive home could be found!"  Then we'd kinda hint and it...you know...maybe keeping her...but no....we couldn't....could we?  Then we'd just say...we'll just wait and see what happens.  Well...what happened was that your Daddy fell in love with you and HE decided that we couldn't let her go!  God is so awesome.  We never thought in a million years Daddy would be the one to say it....but he did!  And now you will be ours.  The one we didn't know we needed.  We love you so much!  I can't wait for the adoption to be final!  And then there's JJ...only 10 months...that's all I've known you...but it's like you were always there.  You just folded right in...you were a little shy at first...but you've come out of your shell and seem to love and care about us as much as we do you.  You have a best friend in "sefies" and the two of you are soo cute together!  I am so looking forward to our journey together...with J as your daddy...it's gonna be a ride!!!

There is one more to mention....one that I never knew existed until  a few years after he/she was gone.  Through no fault of her own...your mom was manipulated and blackmailed into aborting you...a heartache that still relects in her face sometimes.  She was so young and her own mother had just died...beat down....forced to believe she had no other choice...emotionally betrayed by those closest to her...you were wanted, you were loved!  I ask myself the same things...was this the daughter that was so desired?  What would her name have been?  Who would she look like?  All the same questions....no new answers. 
So there it is... that's what I've been thinking about lately. 

LM...I can't wait to tell your birth story next!

...and the greatest of these is LOVE!

(my answer to a question from the Bible Study I was working on today...)

On the road to adulthood, one of the most important lessons I learned the hard way was....


That to love someone is not to be what the they want you to be - is not to try and make them be who you need them to be - love is not to be in control, not to be perfect, not to put another on a pedestal, not for you to use to make yourself feel important or valued higher...

Love is accepting - love exists in the pain, the hurt, the struggle.  Love doesn't run away, it doesn't pretend.  Love gets dirty and messy and requires all of your being.  Love doesn't take no for an answer until no other answer exists.  Love believes all things, bears all things, hopes all things.  Love protects, trusts and perseveres. 

There are 3 things that are most important for you to become all God wants you to be.  They are Faith, Hope and Love.  And the greatest of these is....LOVE!

Preparation

One of my greatest joys the last few weeks has been the time I've been able to spend with my youngest son and his fiance.  I am so thankful that the Lord allowed me to be there for M while she was in the hospital and that the relationship that we began building there has continued.  Now with their move into a new house (rental for now) helping them set up new furniture, make beds, measure windows...everyday things that a year ago I never believed could be.  Being a cheerleader for her ideas and plans...and loving every minute of it.  Watching her plan her "nest" for our newest addition...and the love and thought that she puts into everything.  It just makes me happy.  And M...if you ever read this...I love you!  You have taken your place in my heart and that love grows everyday.  We are the family that we are supposed to be.  The road was hard and sometimes the pain was unbearable....but He honored that journey and brought us to this place.  Can't wait to see where the journey takes us!

My Friends...

Because of major life changes in the past two years I have had to leave behind the old...close doors I never thought I'd have to...say goodbye to people who I thought would be friends forever....not because of choices that we made...but choices others made for us.  Not to place blame...we all make choices that affect others and cause their life journey to change...

Once...while lamenting my loss of "friends" in a conversation I then said..."but...I can count 5 friends that have stayed by my side...5 who love me and accept the new situation I am in....5 who have stood beside me and chosen to continue this journey with me..."  Then it dawned on me...anybody who can say they have 5 friends, 3 who have know me for over 23 years...I AM BLESSED!  So...thank you...thank you to the 5 of you who have honored the closed doors...but have opened new ones that encompass my new realities.  Thank you for your love, support and committment...thank you for your prayers and hugs.  Thank you for caring about what's important to me.  And thank you for still loving and supporting the one small piece of my heart that will always be missing. 

Thanks for Sharing

Dear Children and grandchildren:

You know that Nana has always been so proud of you when you are kind to each other, share and take turns. I guess I forgot to tell you that there are certain things that we don't share. Probably the number one thing on the list of things to not share is the violent, excruciating and stomach turning gift of the stomach flu. I know you didn't mean it...and I tried all night to give you the benefit of the doubt...but share you did. I did think of you quite often all night long....and even felt your "love" as I at one point was positive that I felt my toes coming up through my stomach...although it does appear that they have found where they belong as I wake from the little bit of sleep I got this morning between 6 and 9 a.m. I will continue to think loving thoughts of all of you throughout this day as I experience new levels of pain in parts of my body that I didn't know felt pain. Now the only thing left for me to do is to pray that I have learned from your mistakes and have not shared this gift with Uncle J,  Aunt M, JJ and maybe even L. Lord, I will be ever so grateful if you would keep them safe from this!
I love you all!

I love my husband!

My husband isn't all about grand gestures or romantic expressions.  He shows his love in ways that speak only to me.  When I tell him the balance on the credit card...he doesn't yell or even get angry.  He discusses it and asks me to do better.  When I drive 3 hours away and forget half of my stuff that I need...he willingly drives to meet me half way without a second thought or complaint.  When I ask him to "scratch my itchy spot" (which is miserably found just below my left shoulder blade out of my reach) he always does.  He indulges my obsession with scrapbooking...while I indulge his with planes.  He spoils me...which is something I never thought I would have in my life.  He tells me I'm beautiful and that I am his only one.  He has walked with me through some pretty dark places and never left my side.  He encourages me to grow spiritually.  He loves his children and wants to do the best by them.  He always want to improve.  He is loyal and faithful and honest.  He is exactly what God intended for me and I love him more now than ever!

I want to remember....

I am about to have my 10th...and 1st grandchild.  I will explain...

I married my husband 27 years ago and along with him...I also inherited his two sons. They were 3 and 6 when we were married and I love them just as if they were my own.  My husband and I had 2 more sons.  The two older have had 8 children between them and 6 of them are boys and 2 are girls.  They are my heart and my purpose.  I love them and love being a grandparent...called Nana.  But...now my youngest is having a child with his fiance and is also inheriting a son.  So out of 9 grandchildren...the one that is due will be the very first that I can look in his face and wonder if he has anything of me in him.  I am so quick to notice the things that are familiar in my grandchildren .... things I remember from their fathers or their uncles.  But this one...will he have my nose? (I hope not) my hands? my laugh? my eyes?  Of course we just have to wait and see until the next weeks unfold...

I want to remember...