Jealousy

I know, it's not a pretty thing.  And I do want to be pretty...I want to appear to be pretty and in all truth I really want my insides to be pretty too.  There are people that I love...loved.  Friends...old friends...who mattered.  I thought that I mattered, too.  But I don't.  Probably never did.  That's not true...to one of them I know I did matter.  Did.  Past tense.  But for some reason I can't let go.  I still read their blogs...which just reinforces the fact that I don't matter.  But...also...as I read...I realize that they aren't just excluding me and flaunting it in my face...because I don't even see them anymore.  But I think of the ones that still see them every week...watch them...listen to their stories (and yes, they are very much storytellers...and love to share!) laughing as if their stories and little anecdotes are so cute and wonderful that everybody else must be held spellbound by their attention grabbing tales...not realizing that while they're laughing on the outside...they are asking themselves...."why just them? why not me?  am I not good enough? why are their accounts of their days and weeks so much more interesting than mine?  why wasn't I invited?" and I'm sure many more questions.  Why do women have to be so insensitive to others?  My prayer is that as I begin this new chapter in my life...as I move forward...that I will hold those special close to my heart and not hesitate to do wonderful and awesome things with them...but to be careful to whom I tell those stories...even on FB I need to be careful not to exclude or brag.   And to those women who I am speaking of...those 4 who openly boast of their relationship with each other and God...please be careful.  And I will work on letting go of my jealousy...it isn't pretty...and maybe I'll even quit looking at those blogs...and I hope this blog never becomes a place to brag about what I have at the expense of those who don't.