Mothers Day...

Today is Mothers Day so I guess a reflection of my worth as a mom wouldn't be out of place. In short...I didn't do it very well. I spent too much time in trying to get them to the next level that I didn't always enjoy where they were. I spent too much time in anger. Too much time in despair and chemical imbalances. All that being said.........I love where I am at with my boys. The love between mother and son can not be explained....it just is. They don't dwell on the mistakes, they truly love me and for that I am grateful. And I am grateful for the women they have married who are wonderful moms.

The Road Not Taken...

I've had this post running around in my brain for about a week.  I have tried a few times to put it down in words but was never really satisfied that I had written what I really meant.

I came across a FB page of an old friend.  This friendship began with working with her husband at a Christian organization.  I just graduated from High School, vulnerable, scared, scarred and entering the workforce.  He, married to a beautiful, quiet, sweet B. 

His love for the Lord was overwhelming.  It spilled out of him.  He cared about everybody and everybody cared for him.  I think he took me on as a project.  Me, mouse like and unsure.  He would give me notes with scripture written on them.  Bring me a flower for my desk.  Invite me and my roommates for dinner.  Those meetings spread to creating a Bible Study in their home.  (We studied the book of Romans...still my favorite book of the Bible.)  Our group became a pretty tight circle of about 8-10 people.  We would eat lunch together, go on trips, visit each others apartments.  Still...he was special to me.  (See....I know what you're thinking and that is why I get angry....it wasn't like that....I looked to him as a mentor, encourager.  He was funny.  I loved his wife, too!)  We still would meet in his office off a very noisy hallway...so he'd close the door.  Behind that door was an open Bible and deep discussion.  We discussed forgiveness and judgement.  What Christ-like love was supposed to look like.  Many, many things.  Always above board and without reproach.  Occasionally we'd go for a drive off property.  Always innocent.  I didn't know how to be any other way. 

These friendships went on like this for over two years.  I was in a safe place.  I had friends and a social life that was amazing.  I was growing leaps and bounds in my spiritual life as well as my personal life.  I fell in love with E.  I became an open, happy, giggly, well-liked, well-cared for.....did I say HAPPY person! 

Then one day things changed.  I was being excluded.  Brushed off.  I sensed anger in my friends.  I didn't have a clue what was going on.  He avoided me.  I cornered him....outside.  He told my that his wife had asked him to back away from me.  That she felt our friendship was something more.  I was shocked.  How could she think that?  It was never more for me.  She was just as important to me as he was.  In fact if truth be told, I wanted to be her.  (No, not to replace her....she was so pretty, always sweet, loving and I wanted to be those things.)

I talked to her...cried.  Told her that I would never want to do anything to appear in any way to upset her or their marriage.  They were important to me!  Things seemed to be mended, they had their first baby and I even was their trusted babysitter.  I moved away and they came through and stopped to say hi.  Both B and baby were sick so they ended up staying in my apartment for 3 days while I camped at my parents (foster) house.  They were moving to WA. 

Letters, then cards, then Christmas notes, then nothing.  Nothing.  I didn't even know they'd had another daughter. 

Ok...yes I was naive.  I had come from such abuse and because of that was totally unprepared for  the social interactions that I encountered.  I never learned to question.  I accepted things at face value.  I believed that black was black and white was white.  Now I know that if my husband were meeting a 18 year old single girl in quiet places, in closed offices, sending her notes and buying her gifts...I would say WHOA!  I see how it looked and am stunned by my innocence.  (This blog is anonymous so I have no need to lie or sugarcoat). 

35 years gone by.  I found their 2nd daughter on FB several years ago and we have been friends ever since.  I don't think she even knows who I am but I can keep up with their lives thru her....I guess I could be considered a stalker.  Then her mom posted and I discovered her FB page.  That is what got me to thinking about all of this.

How did I get here......HERE?  It hurt me to the core.  I made decisions based on that hurt.  I am still hurt. 

The road not taken....what if I'd encouraged him....where would it have gone?  (Although I know I didn't even know HOW to do that!  Really....I was that ignorant!)  What if B hadn't assumed the worse?  What if we'd had the friendship over these 35 years that I always wanted.  What if my friends had stood by me instead of them? 

I have the most wonderful loving husband.  I have 3 sons and 11 grandchildren.  (see I edited that, too.)  I have made and lost many friendships.  I have been brought to my knees in the depths of despair and to the highest heights of love and laughter.  I am stronger and kinder.  I am who I am....not only because of the road I took to get to this place....but the roads I didn't take....whether by choice or roadblock. 

Other roads I didn't take....Ira, Eric, Kathy, Randy, Randall, Bob....and even some others that I am not reminded of.  It is very interesting to wander around in my head and wonder....."What if?" but I guess the better question would be "Why?"  I don't need to know.  I just need to know that God put me here and HERE is a wonderful place to be.

I am a woman with faults.  I am cracked and broken and some things are beyond repair.  I am closer to seeing Jesus in person than I think I am ready for.  I long to please everybody.  I want to fix everybody.  I am unable to do either.  I am going to just be.  Maybe there will be energy to fight in the future for what I "think" is supposed to be....but for now.....I will just be me.

Beautiful!

This is beautiful!