Christmas is hard!

My goals for this Christmas:

1.  To stay within Hubby's budget
2.  To get everyone something that their heart desires
3.  To celebrate with my littles at my Nana Party
4.  To have a successful Christmas Eve, Eve
5.  To keep the expectations low and the laughter high
6.  To remember to remember
7.  To let go of the guilt I feel about #2 son and family.

Yeah...we'll see.

The wrong road?

Lately I've been contemplating my decision to cut my #2 son out of my life.  I find myself thrown to and fro by comments others make, things I read and watching how others handle difficult situations.  I tell myself that I should be just like that . . . or just like her . . . or why can't I do that? . . .

Am I taking the easy road?  The road I was on with him wasn't easy.  It was hard.  Everyday hard.  This past six months has been easier.  For me.  Not for hubby.

I am happier.  I am less stressed.  I am more spontaneous and free.  I don't dread getting up in the morning.  I take less meds. 

I carry guilt.  Not about #2 but about his children.  T, C & J.  They miss us.  I don't.

So my conclusion is that I have to do what is right for me.  Others in difficult relationships make other decisions.  I can't compare.  You shouldn't either. 

One more day.......

Tomorrow's the day!  Hubby retires!  I am so excited and so scared at the same time.  Will we get along?  Will we end up wanting to  wring each other's necks?  Will we fall deeper in love or just further into friendship?  Will I be able to deal with him around every day?  This new chapter deserves to be started with a prayer.....

Lord, you are the center of this marriage.  You have brought us safely to this chapter in our lives and I know that You continue to have a plan for us.  Help us to walk softly with each other and to uplift and encourage each other.  Help us to not try to put forth our own agendas but to develop an agenda that fits the both of us.  Help us to be smart about our finances.  Help us to not be stingy with each other.  Lord, please help me to be the person Hubby needs me to be.   Help us to balance our lives so that we both feel free to be ourselves.  Lord, I love this man you gave to me 30 years ago and I pray that You will grow that love as we walk forward into our future. 

Heading into the future..........

About a month before my 56th birthday. Hubby will retire soon after. What a new beginning to our lives. I became an instant mother when we were married almost 30 years ago. I still had a 12 and 10 year old at home when I became a grandmother at 40. Now it will be the two of us. Alone. For the first time. Every day. Excited? Yes. Scared? Definitely! Will we bore each other? Will I resent having to mesh "my" time with his? I love this man more than my life and I honestly don't know the answer to those questions, or the many more questions that I have. I do know that I will put 100% of myself into this new chapter and will take the good with the bad. The chances of this time being short are very high so I want to make the best of every single moment. And I will record those moments here because my goal is to remember.

Mothers Day...

Today is Mothers Day so I guess a reflection of my worth as a mom wouldn't be out of place. In short...I didn't do it very well. I spent too much time in trying to get them to the next level that I didn't always enjoy where they were. I spent too much time in anger. Too much time in despair and chemical imbalances. All that being said.........I love where I am at with my boys. The love between mother and son can not be explained....it just is. They don't dwell on the mistakes, they truly love me and for that I am grateful. And I am grateful for the women they have married who are wonderful moms.

The Road Not Taken...

I've had this post running around in my brain for about a week.  I have tried a few times to put it down in words but was never really satisfied that I had written what I really meant.

I came across a FB page of an old friend.  This friendship began with working with her husband at a Christian organization.  I just graduated from High School, vulnerable, scared, scarred and entering the workforce.  He, married to a beautiful, quiet, sweet B. 

His love for the Lord was overwhelming.  It spilled out of him.  He cared about everybody and everybody cared for him.  I think he took me on as a project.  Me, mouse like and unsure.  He would give me notes with scripture written on them.  Bring me a flower for my desk.  Invite me and my roommates for dinner.  Those meetings spread to creating a Bible Study in their home.  (We studied the book of Romans...still my favorite book of the Bible.)  Our group became a pretty tight circle of about 8-10 people.  We would eat lunch together, go on trips, visit each others apartments.  Still...he was special to me.  (See....I know what you're thinking and that is why I get angry....it wasn't like that....I looked to him as a mentor, encourager.  He was funny.  I loved his wife, too!)  We still would meet in his office off a very noisy hallway...so he'd close the door.  Behind that door was an open Bible and deep discussion.  We discussed forgiveness and judgement.  What Christ-like love was supposed to look like.  Many, many things.  Always above board and without reproach.  Occasionally we'd go for a drive off property.  Always innocent.  I didn't know how to be any other way. 

These friendships went on like this for over two years.  I was in a safe place.  I had friends and a social life that was amazing.  I was growing leaps and bounds in my spiritual life as well as my personal life.  I fell in love with E.  I became an open, happy, giggly, well-liked, well-cared for.....did I say HAPPY person! 

Then one day things changed.  I was being excluded.  Brushed off.  I sensed anger in my friends.  I didn't have a clue what was going on.  He avoided me.  I cornered him....outside.  He told my that his wife had asked him to back away from me.  That she felt our friendship was something more.  I was shocked.  How could she think that?  It was never more for me.  She was just as important to me as he was.  In fact if truth be told, I wanted to be her.  (No, not to replace her....she was so pretty, always sweet, loving and I wanted to be those things.)

I talked to her...cried.  Told her that I would never want to do anything to appear in any way to upset her or their marriage.  They were important to me!  Things seemed to be mended, they had their first baby and I even was their trusted babysitter.  I moved away and they came through and stopped to say hi.  Both B and baby were sick so they ended up staying in my apartment for 3 days while I camped at my parents (foster) house.  They were moving to WA. 

Letters, then cards, then Christmas notes, then nothing.  Nothing.  I didn't even know they'd had another daughter. 

Ok...yes I was naive.  I had come from such abuse and because of that was totally unprepared for  the social interactions that I encountered.  I never learned to question.  I accepted things at face value.  I believed that black was black and white was white.  Now I know that if my husband were meeting a 18 year old single girl in quiet places, in closed offices, sending her notes and buying her gifts...I would say WHOA!  I see how it looked and am stunned by my innocence.  (This blog is anonymous so I have no need to lie or sugarcoat). 

35 years gone by.  I found their 2nd daughter on FB several years ago and we have been friends ever since.  I don't think she even knows who I am but I can keep up with their lives thru her....I guess I could be considered a stalker.  Then her mom posted and I discovered her FB page.  That is what got me to thinking about all of this.

How did I get here......HERE?  It hurt me to the core.  I made decisions based on that hurt.  I am still hurt. 

The road not taken....what if I'd encouraged him....where would it have gone?  (Although I know I didn't even know HOW to do that!  Really....I was that ignorant!)  What if B hadn't assumed the worse?  What if we'd had the friendship over these 35 years that I always wanted.  What if my friends had stood by me instead of them? 

I have the most wonderful loving husband.  I have 3 sons and 11 grandchildren.  (see I edited that, too.)  I have made and lost many friendships.  I have been brought to my knees in the depths of despair and to the highest heights of love and laughter.  I am stronger and kinder.  I am who I am....not only because of the road I took to get to this place....but the roads I didn't take....whether by choice or roadblock. 

Other roads I didn't take....Ira, Eric, Kathy, Randy, Randall, Bob....and even some others that I am not reminded of.  It is very interesting to wander around in my head and wonder....."What if?" but I guess the better question would be "Why?"  I don't need to know.  I just need to know that God put me here and HERE is a wonderful place to be.

I am a woman with faults.  I am cracked and broken and some things are beyond repair.  I am closer to seeing Jesus in person than I think I am ready for.  I long to please everybody.  I want to fix everybody.  I am unable to do either.  I am going to just be.  Maybe there will be energy to fight in the future for what I "think" is supposed to be....but for now.....I will just be me.

Beautiful!

This is beautiful!

Freedom

12 more days come and gone. The relief I feel is so refreshing. It may be storming outside but I feel like the cloud over my head this past year has lifted. And the interesting thing is that big brother has assumed the responsibility for him. He's doing it a lot smarter than I did....maybe he would have sooner if I'd relinquished control. I am a broken person who is no longer trying to fix other broken people. I am going to learn to have fun again. I am going to say no more often. I am also going to say yes more often!

Well it's been 12 days since the earth shattering event that has had me going to the extreme of shunning my son.

When I met my husband he had two sons, 2 & 5 years old. In our marriage vows I promised to love them as if they were my very own. Together we had 2 more sons. At the ages of 7 & 9 a judge decided that he would split these brothers and give the oldest to us and the youngest to his ex. We begged the ex to not allow this to happen. We couldn't give up the oldest because he absolutely refused to live with her. So that's how it went until adulthood. With us every other weekend and with her the other. Even then we planned all family events as a family of six. Always waited until we were all together to celebrate. I consciously made sure that as much as it was in my power to treat them all as equals. This blending of families was hard...with so much craziness from the ex.

In my quest for answers I think I found one. My #2 son has "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". It explains so much. Everyone I have discussed this with is also in agreement. Unfortunately there is no cure and the sad thing is that even if there was he wouldn't agree to it be cause the narcissist isn't capable of recognizing his need for help. He is absolutely convinced that the problem is always someone else. And in this specific case the fault is always me.

For years I have tried to talk to him. I am an explainer. I like to know how/why/when things happened. I like to make others understand to. So I have talked myself blue in the face to him in an effort to get him to understand reasons for my actions. So have his dad and his brothers. Now I get he can't understand. He is broken. And he has broken me. No amount of LOVE will change him. And I can't deal with it any longer.

I struggle with my own demons of depression. As unfair as it is I have found medications that allow me to function "almost" normal. But these constant attacks on me from him have left me weary and fragile. As I get older I lack the ability to shake it off.

Last time I said I Hated him. Do I still feel that way? No. I feel sad and angry at what caused him to be who he is. I am sorry for him that he will never know real happiness or contentment. I grieve for his children. Can I say I love him? No....not yet.

Broken

I guess it doesn't really matter who is broken...me or him...either way it is beyond being able to be fixed. "All the King's soldiers and all the King's men could not put it back together again."

Hate. I said it 100 times last night. HATE! I HATE him! This blog is supposed to be about choosing to love...choosing to LOVE! I can't. Is there a time limit on love? Is there a point at which it is no longer worth it? Does it at some point need to be reciprocated?

Toxic...that's what we are. I can't do this anymore. He sucks the life out of me without even a care. He is selfish. He feels entitled. He is devoid of empathy or sympathy. He is a vortex that can only suck in all that is good, kind, sweet and lovable and expels nothing!

I am once again asking my husband to choose between me or him. What kind of person does that make me? Where does that leave our relationship? Certainly not better. We inflict so much pain on each other. I need him to choose me. I know he will choose me. I am secretly happy that he will choose me and that it will inflict pain on the one I hate.


Ultimately that is what I want......I want him to feel the pain that he has caused me over the last 30 years. And the sad thing is I know he never will. He is incapable. He is broken. And he has broken me.

He was my son.

When it rains....it pours!

I guess it's true...disasters happen in 3's! First my pantry, then my water heater and today......

Huge rainstorm this morning. Hubby went into my scrapbook room to look for something and noticed a huge puddle on the floor. Roof leaked and damaged my 5' tall tower of Bazzill paper! Also ruined all my new Basic Grey Christmas paper and my bucket of scrap paper. A couple of feet the wrong way the leak would have been directly over the closet where I store all my photos in. I am considering investing in waterproof boxes now! Poor Hubby spent most of the day fixing the roof and ceiling....but we are going to have to call a roofer to see what needs to be done. Now he's back at work on finishing my pantry cabinet

Still have several cabinets to Spring Clean and now I am wondering what surprises they have in store for me!

Spring Cleaning

OMGosh!  2004!  That was the last time I THOROUGHLY cleaned my pantry!!!!!  Thing is....it didn't make my life any easier....it made it far more complicated than I could imagine!

In the back of the pantry were very old cans that had swelled and leaked.  (Ewwww).  Which also warped the shelf.  So after cleaning everything I asked the Hubby to please rebuild just that one shelf.  No...he's going to rebuild the bottom one too.  OK....but when he removes it there is yuckiness under it!  The cabinet had actually started to disintegrate.  At this time I was think that all the damage was from those damn exploded cans...but now he decided to rip out the whole cabinet.  MOLD!  Halfway up the two walls that the cabinet sits against. 

Well my pantry cabinet happens to sit behind the same wall that my master bathroom tub sits.  I guess for the last 19 years said tub has been leaking!  And destroying my walls and cabinets.  So a little 1 day project of cleaning out the pantry (I filled the whole trashcan!!!!) has become a major project to rebuild the whole thing. 

So now all my food sits out in the open on the sideboard.  Just at eye and hand level for all my grandkids.....Nana can I have......?????? 

I feel bad for all the expired food I had to throw out.  I am never going to have so much food that it is forgotten again.  I need to just buy for what I need this week and not stockpile.  There are only two of us in this house (most of the time) and I don't need to keep buying as if I was feeding four male teenagers.  That is a hard thing to reprogram yourself to do though!

Lot's of other cabinets cleaned....lots more to go.  Then I get new countertops to go along with my new appliances, new paint and new floors.  This 19 year old house is getting a facelift!!!

My how time flies!

Last post about Christmas.....now it's February!

Spent New Years on a Jeep/RV trip in Death Valley. I do not love the desert. But I do have to agree that sometimes it does have a stark beauty that is hard to explain.

January seemed unstoppable....watching A 3 days a week....the airplane flying for the 1st time....S's birthday...new appliances...L hospitalized...5 days of chaos at the beach (vacation?)...end of year reports...taxes....

Now it's February and I am taking a breather...or trying to. I am going to go work in my scrapbook room and lose myself in a project...don't know which one....doesn't matter....I just need to create! Gonna make time for friends and spend time with my grandaughters. I am going to shop with my daughters-in-love.

I'll let you know how it goes!

Follow Up on Christmas

Just to let you know that on Christmas Eve I had EVERY one of my kids, grandkids present.  It was a beautiful day.  I even got a photo of ALL of us.  I am so blessed.  My kids were on their best behavior.  I know that they are all different personalities and maybe every single person isn't their favorite person...but they were kind, welcoming and fun.  I am blessed!  We will be spending a weekend together at the end of January at the beach and I can truly say I am looking forward to spending it with each one of them.  I don't think I could have said that a month ago!  God is good!

Dreams really do come true!

Eighteen years....the dream - for this phase to come to fruition.  Actually the dream started even before I met my husband.  His dream is/was/always has been is to fly.  But even more than that.  To fly a plane that he built from scratch.  From nothing to a beautiful, amazing, wonderful flying machine.  He started on the 1st one before I met him.  Imagine me finding out that this man I was falling in love with was building an airplane in his garage!  30 years later this seems normal to me...but then?  Crazy!  Then for the next 5 or 6 years adding my blood, sweat and tears to the project.  Yes...I could be a "Rosie the Riveter" because I definitely learned how and became very good at that.  But we were still young, had very young children and definitely more bills at the end of each month than money.  The plane was absolutely stunningly beautiful. It was a single seater so I never got to fly in it.  We couldn't keep it.  We couldn't afford the insurance/fuel/hanger fees.  We sold it.  Heartbreak.  Started another one...sold it unfinished.  Another one came to us partially built...a little more work...sold it too.  Then in 1994 we started this one.  It began as a partnership...where he provided the labor and the other provided the financing.  Perfect?  At first.  But the partner wanted the plane done NOW and my husband doesn't do anything fast.  He is a perfectionist.  Years went by and the partnership soured.  I could write a book on all the interruptions we had in the building.  There were whole years where nothing got done.  Life in all it's messiness interrupted time and time again.  Kids, grandkids, parents, sickness, strains of marriage...all contributed.  But...kids grow up.  Children become adults and take care of their own.  Parents die.  Marriages are dissolved.  Marriages are healed.  A few years ago building began again in earnest.  Our goal was to be done by June of last year.  Considering all our other goals...we missed it by 6 months...not bad!  The airplane flew on Saturday!   Beautiful, shiny, perfect!  And it's a two seater.  Eventually I will be a passenger in this very special airplane.  As well as my sons, my grandchildren and maybe even some of my daughter-in-laws.  The memories that will be made are made for a lifetime.  The joy on my husbands face is priceless.  And because God is so good...we will keep this one.  He has provided us with the means to be able to afford to keep this one.  And I think I would sacrifice anything to be able to keep this one.  And now that it's done...the dream of where to go and what to see...begins!