Allow me to tell you a little bit about myself....

This is also an response to the Bible Study I am currently working on:

I am a sinner, saved by Grace.  I am the 3rd of 5 and the oldest of 3.  I am broken, scarred and imperfect.  I am strong willed and fearless sometimes; shy and panic stricken at other times.  I am severely chemically imbalanced - as was my mother before me.  I am made whole by the Holy Spirit, modern medicine and just plain hard work.  I love my husband more today than any other day; I love my 4 sons equally yet differently.  I love my grandchildren in a totally different way than my own children...but not more or less.  I love to have my family around me - especially the chaos it creates.  I also love my quiet alone time.  I am great in a crisis - quick thinking and a doer.  After the crisis has resolved itself I usually take to my bed for 24 hours!  I love to laugh, to sing, to talk to friends, to scrapbook, to take road trips, to watch movies and to watch TV. I love the mountains.  I love waterfalls.  I have a singular, God given purpose...and that purpose is to loves those He has placed in my life wholly and unconditionally. My prayer is that through me I will reflect Jesus and they will discover their need for Him also. 

Time with the grandkids

Last night G and I got to spend the evening with J & M and JJ.  I helped M and her friend fold baby clothes, hang them and put them away.  What a joy to help!  I had so much fun and I am so grateful that M lets me participate and share in this.  It means soooo much!

Today I got to have E, S, A and KS for the afternoon and evening.  What fun they can be...and what work!  My  A is diagnosed with ADHD and EDD and Attachment Disorder...this may sound horrible but the positive is that she is off the charts smart.  She is quick to talk back and today told me that she was going to "kick my butt!"  I wanted to laugh...but I did put her in timeout.  I love her to pieces and am so proud of J and A as they work with her to develop her personality so that she can cope in the "real world."  And I am convinced that she will do well...and I am so thankful she is ours.  What if she ended up with some other family who didn't care or punished her for things beyond her control?  What if they lost patience and abused her.  As difficult as it may be in the future...with all of us working as a team along with her couselors...she is in the best place she could be.  And my KS...she's become a climber...climbing onto the kitchen table and then crying because she can't get down.  Baby gates are probably only going to be a temporary solution...she's gonna figure them out really fast!  And the doggie door...she loves to go out the doggie door...and ends up outside unsupervised....and her little bow legged walk...I can't get enough of how cute she is!  She jabbers as if she is having a real conversation...on and on...I guess she knows what she's saying!   And tonight I get E and S overnight...S's idea...I don't mind...but I'm hoping they go to sleep soon! 

Anyhow...I enjoy spending time with them and I want them to know how much I love them and want to be a part of their everyday lives!

Jealousy

I know, it's not a pretty thing.  And I do want to be pretty...I want to appear to be pretty and in all truth I really want my insides to be pretty too.  There are people that I love...loved.  Friends...old friends...who mattered.  I thought that I mattered, too.  But I don't.  Probably never did.  That's not true...to one of them I know I did matter.  Did.  Past tense.  But for some reason I can't let go.  I still read their blogs...which just reinforces the fact that I don't matter.  But...also...as I read...I realize that they aren't just excluding me and flaunting it in my face...because I don't even see them anymore.  But I think of the ones that still see them every week...watch them...listen to their stories (and yes, they are very much storytellers...and love to share!) laughing as if their stories and little anecdotes are so cute and wonderful that everybody else must be held spellbound by their attention grabbing tales...not realizing that while they're laughing on the outside...they are asking themselves...."why just them? why not me?  am I not good enough? why are their accounts of their days and weeks so much more interesting than mine?  why wasn't I invited?" and I'm sure many more questions.  Why do women have to be so insensitive to others?  My prayer is that as I begin this new chapter in my life...as I move forward...that I will hold those special close to my heart and not hesitate to do wonderful and awesome things with them...but to be careful to whom I tell those stories...even on FB I need to be careful not to exclude or brag.   And to those women who I am speaking of...those 4 who openly boast of their relationship with each other and God...please be careful.  And I will work on letting go of my jealousy...it isn't pretty...and maybe I'll even quit looking at those blogs...and I hope this blog never becomes a place to brag about what I have at the expense of those who don't.

I've been thinking a lot lately about....

With the impending birth of my newest grandson and many of my friends children are pregnant and due soon...I've been thinking about the births of all of my grandchildren.  I remember waiting outside the door of the birthing room for C's first cry and the sounds of happiness all around as those of us waiting  burst into cheers and laughter!  I remember the nurse handing him to me first...for a moment I considered keeping you...but I handed you to the other grandma...I knew it was the right thing to do...but I really didn't want to do it!  I remember pacing in the waiting room as E was being born by emergency C-section...worrying and praying for both baby and mom...he was so tiny - she was still so sick  I remember trying to get you to eat...you really didn't want to at first.  I can remember changing your diaper on my lap...you were so little. Mom got better and I had the privledge of driving you both home in my new car.  I remember traveling back and forth to UCLA - waiting for C to be born...and then actually watching him be born....what an amazing experience and he holds a very special part of my heart because of it.  We thought he was perfect...but he had breathing problems and had to stay a few days extra.  Then came one I will never know...one I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and cried and cried and prayed and prayed for 3 1/2 months....but the answer was no.  "No, I don't want to have another baby right now!"  No, I can't handle it!  No!  I am to selfish to care about "it" and you and life!"    The one who I wonder were you a boy or a girl?  What would your name have been?  Dark hair like C or light hair like J?  Brown eyes or blue?  My heart aches to hold you, to breath in your smell, to feel your skin, to have your heart beat next to mine, to hold you as you sleep and dream.  But...the answer was no.  Then came J....once again countless trips to UCLA...mixed feelings...at first scared that your mom would make the same decision again..then resentment that she could choose to keep you and not another.  Anger...I did feel anger, too...for C and K.  How lightly they took the priviledge of creating life.  And how uncaring for the life she carried and wanting her own comfort above the best for you.  Forcing herself into early labor...forcing all of us to bow down to her whims, to change our schedules and priorities for her...resentment...yes - a lot of resentment building.  Then I had to leave to go and say goodbye to my Grandma...flying clear across the country wondering if he would be born while I was away...would she take care of him?  I made it back...and J was born 1 hour after I got the phone call that my grandma had died.  Again, I watched him be born.  Again rejoicing in the miracle that he was here...seeing how tiny he was and knowing that he wasn't OK...born too early...rushed to NICU and while C & K slept...I stayed up with you all night long by your bassinet...singing, praying, telling you all my hopes and dreams...all night while you had tubes and wires and medicines I held your hand...you were so beautiful!  How was I to know that we would never have the chance to get to know each other...that your mom would separate us for months on end....even years.  We have missed so much!  And then came S. I was angry that your Mom was going to put her health on the line again...I thought she would die with E. But in my heartache for J and my joy in knowing that we were having another grandchild I soon put aside my fear and just enjoyed the pregnancy with your mom. Well as much as I could...Mom really didn't do all that well pregnant. But even with another very sick mom and another emergency C-section...you were born perfect and beautiful and almost angelic! You had personality from the get go and we often say..."what would we do without our S!"



And to  the four grandchildren who I wasn't there for at your birth....I still remember the first time I saw you.  For T it was when you were about 9 months old and your mom and dad came over with you...you had so much personality and were just learning to walk.  You were in a pair of red zippered pajamas and your smile lit up the room.  I knew then that you were mine.  And you always will be!   Then there was A...3 months old and plopped into our lives and from the moment your mom laid her eyes on you...she knew you were her heart's desire.  We didn't follow any of the rules.  We named you right away and rarely let the thought cross our minds that we may not be able to keep you.  You were the grandaughter we had prayed for and we were over the moon to have you!  Then came KS...WOW...what a surprise she was.  She was just a 30 day emegency placement...no different that the 10 or 15 others that A had taken in.  As usual mom would call me and ask if I wanted to go with her to the hospital to pick up a newborn...and 9 times out of 10 I always did!  We loved going to the hospital and getting to take a brand new baby home...it was fun and temporary.  We already had our grandaughter!  But...I knew from the moment I saw you...dressed you and held you.  I knew.  I knew my heart was going to be broken because I fell in love with you from the moment I laid my eyes on you.  But I couldn't say it.  I couldn't ask your mom and dad to adopt you and have 5 children!  I just couldn't.  The month went by...and mommy rolled you over to long term.  "Just so you didn't have to change homes until an adoptive home could be found!"  Then we'd kinda hint and it...you know...maybe keeping her...but no....we couldn't....could we?  Then we'd just say...we'll just wait and see what happens.  Well...what happened was that your Daddy fell in love with you and HE decided that we couldn't let her go!  God is so awesome.  We never thought in a million years Daddy would be the one to say it....but he did!  And now you will be ours.  The one we didn't know we needed.  We love you so much!  I can't wait for the adoption to be final!  And then there's JJ...only 10 months...that's all I've known you...but it's like you were always there.  You just folded right in...you were a little shy at first...but you've come out of your shell and seem to love and care about us as much as we do you.  You have a best friend in "sefies" and the two of you are soo cute together!  I am so looking forward to our journey together...with J as your daddy...it's gonna be a ride!!!

There is one more to mention....one that I never knew existed until  a few years after he/she was gone.  Through no fault of her own...your mom was manipulated and blackmailed into aborting you...a heartache that still relects in her face sometimes.  She was so young and her own mother had just died...beat down....forced to believe she had no other choice...emotionally betrayed by those closest to her...you were wanted, you were loved!  I ask myself the same things...was this the daughter that was so desired?  What would her name have been?  Who would she look like?  All the same questions....no new answers. 
So there it is... that's what I've been thinking about lately. 

LM...I can't wait to tell your birth story next!

...and the greatest of these is LOVE!

(my answer to a question from the Bible Study I was working on today...)

On the road to adulthood, one of the most important lessons I learned the hard way was....


That to love someone is not to be what the they want you to be - is not to try and make them be who you need them to be - love is not to be in control, not to be perfect, not to put another on a pedestal, not for you to use to make yourself feel important or valued higher...

Love is accepting - love exists in the pain, the hurt, the struggle.  Love doesn't run away, it doesn't pretend.  Love gets dirty and messy and requires all of your being.  Love doesn't take no for an answer until no other answer exists.  Love believes all things, bears all things, hopes all things.  Love protects, trusts and perseveres. 

There are 3 things that are most important for you to become all God wants you to be.  They are Faith, Hope and Love.  And the greatest of these is....LOVE!

Preparation

One of my greatest joys the last few weeks has been the time I've been able to spend with my youngest son and his fiance.  I am so thankful that the Lord allowed me to be there for M while she was in the hospital and that the relationship that we began building there has continued.  Now with their move into a new house (rental for now) helping them set up new furniture, make beds, measure windows...everyday things that a year ago I never believed could be.  Being a cheerleader for her ideas and plans...and loving every minute of it.  Watching her plan her "nest" for our newest addition...and the love and thought that she puts into everything.  It just makes me happy.  And M...if you ever read this...I love you!  You have taken your place in my heart and that love grows everyday.  We are the family that we are supposed to be.  The road was hard and sometimes the pain was unbearable....but He honored that journey and brought us to this place.  Can't wait to see where the journey takes us!

My Friends...

Because of major life changes in the past two years I have had to leave behind the old...close doors I never thought I'd have to...say goodbye to people who I thought would be friends forever....not because of choices that we made...but choices others made for us.  Not to place blame...we all make choices that affect others and cause their life journey to change...

Once...while lamenting my loss of "friends" in a conversation I then said..."but...I can count 5 friends that have stayed by my side...5 who love me and accept the new situation I am in....5 who have stood beside me and chosen to continue this journey with me..."  Then it dawned on me...anybody who can say they have 5 friends, 3 who have know me for over 23 years...I AM BLESSED!  So...thank you...thank you to the 5 of you who have honored the closed doors...but have opened new ones that encompass my new realities.  Thank you for your love, support and committment...thank you for your prayers and hugs.  Thank you for caring about what's important to me.  And thank you for still loving and supporting the one small piece of my heart that will always be missing. 

Thanks for Sharing

Dear Children and grandchildren:

You know that Nana has always been so proud of you when you are kind to each other, share and take turns. I guess I forgot to tell you that there are certain things that we don't share. Probably the number one thing on the list of things to not share is the violent, excruciating and stomach turning gift of the stomach flu. I know you didn't mean it...and I tried all night to give you the benefit of the doubt...but share you did. I did think of you quite often all night long....and even felt your "love" as I at one point was positive that I felt my toes coming up through my stomach...although it does appear that they have found where they belong as I wake from the little bit of sleep I got this morning between 6 and 9 a.m. I will continue to think loving thoughts of all of you throughout this day as I experience new levels of pain in parts of my body that I didn't know felt pain. Now the only thing left for me to do is to pray that I have learned from your mistakes and have not shared this gift with Uncle J,  Aunt M, JJ and maybe even L. Lord, I will be ever so grateful if you would keep them safe from this!
I love you all!

I love my husband!

My husband isn't all about grand gestures or romantic expressions.  He shows his love in ways that speak only to me.  When I tell him the balance on the credit card...he doesn't yell or even get angry.  He discusses it and asks me to do better.  When I drive 3 hours away and forget half of my stuff that I need...he willingly drives to meet me half way without a second thought or complaint.  When I ask him to "scratch my itchy spot" (which is miserably found just below my left shoulder blade out of my reach) he always does.  He indulges my obsession with scrapbooking...while I indulge his with planes.  He spoils me...which is something I never thought I would have in my life.  He tells me I'm beautiful and that I am his only one.  He has walked with me through some pretty dark places and never left my side.  He encourages me to grow spiritually.  He loves his children and wants to do the best by them.  He always want to improve.  He is loyal and faithful and honest.  He is exactly what God intended for me and I love him more now than ever!

I want to remember....

I am about to have my 10th...and 1st grandchild.  I will explain...

I married my husband 27 years ago and along with him...I also inherited his two sons. They were 3 and 6 when we were married and I love them just as if they were my own.  My husband and I had 2 more sons.  The two older have had 8 children between them and 6 of them are boys and 2 are girls.  They are my heart and my purpose.  I love them and love being a grandparent...called Nana.  But...now my youngest is having a child with his fiance and is also inheriting a son.  So out of 9 grandchildren...the one that is due will be the very first that I can look in his face and wonder if he has anything of me in him.  I am so quick to notice the things that are familiar in my grandchildren .... things I remember from their fathers or their uncles.  But this one...will he have my nose? (I hope not) my hands? my laugh? my eyes?  Of course we just have to wait and see until the next weeks unfold...

I want to remember...