Broken

I guess it doesn't really matter who is broken...me or him...either way it is beyond being able to be fixed. "All the King's soldiers and all the King's men could not put it back together again."

Hate. I said it 100 times last night. HATE! I HATE him! This blog is supposed to be about choosing to love...choosing to LOVE! I can't. Is there a time limit on love? Is there a point at which it is no longer worth it? Does it at some point need to be reciprocated?

Toxic...that's what we are. I can't do this anymore. He sucks the life out of me without even a care. He is selfish. He feels entitled. He is devoid of empathy or sympathy. He is a vortex that can only suck in all that is good, kind, sweet and lovable and expels nothing!

I am once again asking my husband to choose between me or him. What kind of person does that make me? Where does that leave our relationship? Certainly not better. We inflict so much pain on each other. I need him to choose me. I know he will choose me. I am secretly happy that he will choose me and that it will inflict pain on the one I hate.


Ultimately that is what I want......I want him to feel the pain that he has caused me over the last 30 years. And the sad thing is I know he never will. He is incapable. He is broken. And he has broken me.

He was my son.

When it rains....it pours!

I guess it's true...disasters happen in 3's! First my pantry, then my water heater and today......

Huge rainstorm this morning. Hubby went into my scrapbook room to look for something and noticed a huge puddle on the floor. Roof leaked and damaged my 5' tall tower of Bazzill paper! Also ruined all my new Basic Grey Christmas paper and my bucket of scrap paper. A couple of feet the wrong way the leak would have been directly over the closet where I store all my photos in. I am considering investing in waterproof boxes now! Poor Hubby spent most of the day fixing the roof and ceiling....but we are going to have to call a roofer to see what needs to be done. Now he's back at work on finishing my pantry cabinet

Still have several cabinets to Spring Clean and now I am wondering what surprises they have in store for me!

Spring Cleaning

OMGosh!  2004!  That was the last time I THOROUGHLY cleaned my pantry!!!!!  Thing is....it didn't make my life any easier....it made it far more complicated than I could imagine!

In the back of the pantry were very old cans that had swelled and leaked.  (Ewwww).  Which also warped the shelf.  So after cleaning everything I asked the Hubby to please rebuild just that one shelf.  No...he's going to rebuild the bottom one too.  OK....but when he removes it there is yuckiness under it!  The cabinet had actually started to disintegrate.  At this time I was think that all the damage was from those damn exploded cans...but now he decided to rip out the whole cabinet.  MOLD!  Halfway up the two walls that the cabinet sits against. 

Well my pantry cabinet happens to sit behind the same wall that my master bathroom tub sits.  I guess for the last 19 years said tub has been leaking!  And destroying my walls and cabinets.  So a little 1 day project of cleaning out the pantry (I filled the whole trashcan!!!!) has become a major project to rebuild the whole thing. 

So now all my food sits out in the open on the sideboard.  Just at eye and hand level for all my grandkids.....Nana can I have......?????? 

I feel bad for all the expired food I had to throw out.  I am never going to have so much food that it is forgotten again.  I need to just buy for what I need this week and not stockpile.  There are only two of us in this house (most of the time) and I don't need to keep buying as if I was feeding four male teenagers.  That is a hard thing to reprogram yourself to do though!

Lot's of other cabinets cleaned....lots more to go.  Then I get new countertops to go along with my new appliances, new paint and new floors.  This 19 year old house is getting a facelift!!!