When I was 13 years old my biological family and I went on a camping trip over the Thanksgiving weekend. When we returned on Sunday our neighbor came up to the driver's side window and knocked. When the window was rolled down he just said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your house burned down while you were gone."
Life changing. Many things changed in my life when I was 13. I lost all my possessions. I wore the same pair of Levi 501's and 3 Hang Ten t-shirts that I had taken camping, for the next 4 months. I told. I told the secret. Maybe if there had never been a fire....and we hadn't been separated temporarily....if I hadn't had that glimpse into "real" life....maybe I wouldn't have had the guts to get so angry. Maybe that fire changed my circumstances just enough for me to learn how to stand up for myself. I left. I turned my back on the old and began the new. New family. New dreams. New me.
Fire changes things.
J and A had a fire. E and S had already left for school. J had just driven away with C and A to drop them off. A was just about to get into the shower while KS slept. She smelled something. The same kind of smell like when the vacuum belt is melting. That burned plastic smell. Not smoke. Not fire. No alarms. Just that smell. She almost ignored it. She went in search and saw a fire next to the stovetop reaching up to the cabinets. She stopped. Remembered the fire extinguisher under the kitchen sink....sprayed it.....nothing. Fizzled. Stopped again. Thought she could put it out with a towel....realizing after probably just seconds that it wasn't working and was even making it worse. It was bigger now. Smoke was getting heavy. Grabbed her cell phone, took KS from her crib and ran out the door. Called 911 first and then J. He told her to get the hose. Jared was only at the corner... a few blocks away. Things had happened so fast. J drove home VERY fast...arrived before the fire engines. A was in the back yard struggling to untangle the hose....J got it from her and entered the house from the back. C helped untangle the hose and get the kinks out. J laid on his stomach in the family room because the smoke was so thick. He aimed the hose at the fire and had it pretty much out by the time the fire trucks arrived. The firemen did their job and saved the rest of the house. They determined that the fire started with the toaster. No, no one was using it at the time. It was just sitting there. Plugged in. It was always plugged in. Isn't everybody's? G explained that a plugged in small appliance is always receiving current. Eventually if your wiring is damaged or old...eventually they catch on fire. Every day. Seriously. A toaster could have killed my son and his wife and his 5 children. A plugged in toaster. If you read this....please unplug your small appliances when you are not using them. I have.
Chaos. I remember that as being the aftermath of my fire and it certainly was for this one. The boys stayed here for a few days. Dealing with insurance. Buying new clothes. Dealing with somebody else in your home touching your stuff. Hard. Life changing.
Jesus says he can bring out the beauty from our ashes. I am who I am partly because I went through fire. I wonder what amazing things He is going to do from these ashes. God loves to surprise. I patiently wait.
Thank you Jesus for saving my kids and grandkids. Things can be replaced. Stuff is just stuff. They are my heart and I am so greatful that you protected them.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
AJB Birth Story, finally!
Wow! He's 3 weeks and 1 day today! He's beautiful and wonderful and I can't seem to be able to see him enough! In fact, I haven't seen him for 9 days!! Nobody's fault really...just circumstances. (J & A had a house fire! Will blog about that next. And I was sick =(
So...let's see what I can remember......
S and her girlfriend, R, went to Tahoe Joe's for lunch on the 7th because the cheesecake there is supposed to induce labor. So off they went and had a fabulous lunch. Later...at R's in-laws place of business....(R's MIL is one of my closest friends.) her water broke! I hear it was pretty funny! So they called G at work and he came and picked her up and off they went to the hospital. They determined that her water did indeed break and got her on monitors. For purposes of paperwork they decided that her labor actually started at 4:30 p.m. I arrived at the hospital at 5:30 p.m. where I was to stay for the next 26 hours.
Her labor started quite slowly....(comparing to mine when I went into labor after my water broke with J. Immediate hard, knee buckling pain!) She barely felt the contractions....had to look at the monitor sometimes just to see she was having them! She was already a 2 from the week before....and after a few hours she was a 4. Then they started pitocin and the pain increased dramatically. I am fuzzy about some of the times now...but I think around midnight she got her epidural. She LOVED it. She never wanted one but the pain was so excruciating that she finally gave in. She said that during the contractions it felt like she was getting the best massage! She was able to doze a little, too. Somewhere around 4:00 a.m. she got checked and was at a 9.5. The turned her epidural off and had her start "practice" pushing. The whole lot of us were sent out to the waiting room to await A's arrival. I dozed off and on for the next 2 1/2 hours sitting straight up in a very uncomfortable chair.
I must have slept hard for a moment....because I woke up in a panic. Realizing she'd been pushing for 2 1/2 hours and we'd heard NOTHING about what was going on....I went and stood by the door of their room. I could hear S screaming and crying and saying she "couldn't do it anymore!" I opened the door a crack and waiting until I caught G's eye....I asked him if he needed me to come in and he said no. So I closed the door and prayed. Then some cleaning lady came by and said that I couldn't stand by the door and I needed to go back to the waiting room. I said I would when I was done praying...she agreed and I left about 1 minute later. I really was trying to keep my heart and mind centered on God and realize that He was in control....I kept praying that God would intervene in that room and allow A to be born naturally. I was fighting back panic and fear....unsuccessfully. I would wander back down the hall and stop and listen at the door...pray...wander down to the waiting room. I was by myself. I wasn't talking to anybody and wasn't bother the nurses at all. I kept my head down and didn't linger any one place very long. So on one of my trips down the hall...here comes a Security Guard! He informed me that if I didn't go and stay in the waiting room he was gonna CALL THE POLICE!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!! I have had 4 other grandchildren born in that hospital! ALL 4 times I have stood outside the door!!!! NEVER have I been so insulted in my life. And the security guard....he was a little pimply faced adolescent wearing a uniform too big for him and with some kind of power complex! I was in tears, still scared and really fighting down a panic attack. At the time I didn't realize I was having a panic attack....but looking back I now realize it was. S's mom tried to calm me. I couldn't understand why they all weren't falling apart. I just knew something was going wrong and I couldn't stop crying. About 30 minutes after the SG incident a nurse came into the waiting room looking for "the grandmother who is really upset!" She wanted to let me know that the other nurses had asked her to go into the room and ask G to come out and talk to me! REALLY? I never asked for that! He was 100% supposed to be exactly where he was supposed to be and all I wanted was to be close and pray. I told her about the cleaning lady and the SG and what he'd threatened me with. She was furious. She told me that the Nurse Manager for the whole unit would be in in an couple of hours and that I should report the incident immediately....she had never heard of anything like it! She also told us that S had been "refusing" to push for most of the time and that now she was finally getting serious." She told us that A would be here soon. I called Gary and he came to the hospital. I met him downstairs and we went and sat in his truck and I ate a banana and took my medication. After about 10 minutes I went back upstairs and heard that he'd been born. Nobody knew anything yet other that he'd made his appearance. Withing about 30 seconds I received the CUTEST picture on my phone....and got to share the news with the whole gang! I was such a proud Nana!
Now for the rest of the story......
The nurse who had suggested that S start to "practice" pushing I guess never really was much help in teaching S HOW to push. She apparently mostly just stood around. Obviously it just wasn't a match for their personalities. S never got from her exactly what she was supposed to be doing...and was exhausting herself trying to do everything right. S said that G was AMAZING! He never left her side (I can attest to that!) and was 100% supportive and encouraging. At shift change around 7:30 a.m. the night nurse left and in came the day nurse. TOTALLY different personality! S HATED her because she was a "drill sargeant!" Basically that is when S began to push with purpose...(when I told her later what the other nurse had said that she was "refusing" to push.....well I can't print what she thought about that!!!) She finally had someone telling her exactly what to do, when to do it, how to do it and that she COULD do it. The Dr had been in the room for at least the last hour and ended up having to do a level 4 episiotomy. That is being cut from vagina to anus!!!!!!!! (Sorry for being so graphic....but it is MAJOR!) AJB was born 3/8/11, 8 lbs 8 oz, 8:07 a.m. (S says she sorry but she couldn't wait on more minute for him to be born at 8:08! Can't say I blame her!) His head was funny looking....not a conehead....more like an oblong...and he had a ton of hair in the back of his head but just peach fuzz on the top. We tease that he had "Papa's hair!" And of course, he was (and is) absolutely perfect and beautiful!) (Oh...and by the way...the nurse that S hated so much during childbirth....was the most amazing comforting and attentive nurse for the rest of the day. S learned so much from her and really grew to love her!)
G was obviously in love with his son from the moment he laid eyes on him. He is such a great dad! And he really stepped up in caring for S after the birth. S was in so much pain from the birth and she could barely move. She was bleeding heavily and after the 1st time getting up to use the restroom the nurse had to pull that emergency cord in the bathroom. (I always wondered what would happen if you pulled that cord....apparently every nurse and aide on the floor comes running!) They caught her from falling and and got her back into bed in a moment of controlled chaos. So they didnt let her get up without a nurse until the next day. When they finally did...G took control. He filled her waterbottle, prepared her pad, changed her pads...I mean he did everything! He also took over with Austin....changing him, burping him and dressing him. He could swaddle him better that any of us! I say all of this because I saw a new side to my son. One I hoped would be there...but wasn't sure if it would. He was tender, and caring and present. I was sure that I would be spending the first night with them because I didn't think G wanted to do it by himself. But...he was very confident and they had each other and I got to go home and sleep in my own bed! Yay!
Wednesday...they said they could go home IF A would poop! We waited and waited and waited. Well...we cuddled, took pictures, fed, S pumped, laughed and oooed and awed over him. Still....no poop. Gas...but no poop! Finally, about 4:30 he did it! Not much! But enough to make the nurses happy. So A was able to go home. We took Tahoe Joe's over for dinner (seemed appropriate!) and got them settled and headed home ourselves. S found nursing extremely difficult because A would not stay latched. I got her a breast pump and she has found that pumping and the bottle seems to make the most sense for them. They have been doing an amazing job ever since. I am so blessed to have S be the mother of my grandbaby! And so proud of G. And so in love with A!!!!
So...let's see what I can remember......
S and her girlfriend, R, went to Tahoe Joe's for lunch on the 7th because the cheesecake there is supposed to induce labor. So off they went and had a fabulous lunch. Later...at R's in-laws place of business....(R's MIL is one of my closest friends.) her water broke! I hear it was pretty funny! So they called G at work and he came and picked her up and off they went to the hospital. They determined that her water did indeed break and got her on monitors. For purposes of paperwork they decided that her labor actually started at 4:30 p.m. I arrived at the hospital at 5:30 p.m. where I was to stay for the next 26 hours.
Her labor started quite slowly....(comparing to mine when I went into labor after my water broke with J. Immediate hard, knee buckling pain!) She barely felt the contractions....had to look at the monitor sometimes just to see she was having them! She was already a 2 from the week before....and after a few hours she was a 4. Then they started pitocin and the pain increased dramatically. I am fuzzy about some of the times now...but I think around midnight she got her epidural. She LOVED it. She never wanted one but the pain was so excruciating that she finally gave in. She said that during the contractions it felt like she was getting the best massage! She was able to doze a little, too. Somewhere around 4:00 a.m. she got checked and was at a 9.5. The turned her epidural off and had her start "practice" pushing. The whole lot of us were sent out to the waiting room to await A's arrival. I dozed off and on for the next 2 1/2 hours sitting straight up in a very uncomfortable chair.
I must have slept hard for a moment....because I woke up in a panic. Realizing she'd been pushing for 2 1/2 hours and we'd heard NOTHING about what was going on....I went and stood by the door of their room. I could hear S screaming and crying and saying she "couldn't do it anymore!" I opened the door a crack and waiting until I caught G's eye....I asked him if he needed me to come in and he said no. So I closed the door and prayed. Then some cleaning lady came by and said that I couldn't stand by the door and I needed to go back to the waiting room. I said I would when I was done praying...she agreed and I left about 1 minute later. I really was trying to keep my heart and mind centered on God and realize that He was in control....I kept praying that God would intervene in that room and allow A to be born naturally. I was fighting back panic and fear....unsuccessfully. I would wander back down the hall and stop and listen at the door...pray...wander down to the waiting room. I was by myself. I wasn't talking to anybody and wasn't bother the nurses at all. I kept my head down and didn't linger any one place very long. So on one of my trips down the hall...here comes a Security Guard! He informed me that if I didn't go and stay in the waiting room he was gonna CALL THE POLICE!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!! I have had 4 other grandchildren born in that hospital! ALL 4 times I have stood outside the door!!!! NEVER have I been so insulted in my life. And the security guard....he was a little pimply faced adolescent wearing a uniform too big for him and with some kind of power complex! I was in tears, still scared and really fighting down a panic attack. At the time I didn't realize I was having a panic attack....but looking back I now realize it was. S's mom tried to calm me. I couldn't understand why they all weren't falling apart. I just knew something was going wrong and I couldn't stop crying. About 30 minutes after the SG incident a nurse came into the waiting room looking for "the grandmother who is really upset!" She wanted to let me know that the other nurses had asked her to go into the room and ask G to come out and talk to me! REALLY? I never asked for that! He was 100% supposed to be exactly where he was supposed to be and all I wanted was to be close and pray. I told her about the cleaning lady and the SG and what he'd threatened me with. She was furious. She told me that the Nurse Manager for the whole unit would be in in an couple of hours and that I should report the incident immediately....she had never heard of anything like it! She also told us that S had been "refusing" to push for most of the time and that now she was finally getting serious." She told us that A would be here soon. I called Gary and he came to the hospital. I met him downstairs and we went and sat in his truck and I ate a banana and took my medication. After about 10 minutes I went back upstairs and heard that he'd been born. Nobody knew anything yet other that he'd made his appearance. Withing about 30 seconds I received the CUTEST picture on my phone....and got to share the news with the whole gang! I was such a proud Nana!
Now for the rest of the story......
The nurse who had suggested that S start to "practice" pushing I guess never really was much help in teaching S HOW to push. She apparently mostly just stood around. Obviously it just wasn't a match for their personalities. S never got from her exactly what she was supposed to be doing...and was exhausting herself trying to do everything right. S said that G was AMAZING! He never left her side (I can attest to that!) and was 100% supportive and encouraging. At shift change around 7:30 a.m. the night nurse left and in came the day nurse. TOTALLY different personality! S HATED her because she was a "drill sargeant!" Basically that is when S began to push with purpose...(when I told her later what the other nurse had said that she was "refusing" to push.....well I can't print what she thought about that!!!) She finally had someone telling her exactly what to do, when to do it, how to do it and that she COULD do it. The Dr had been in the room for at least the last hour and ended up having to do a level 4 episiotomy. That is being cut from vagina to anus!!!!!!!! (Sorry for being so graphic....but it is MAJOR!) AJB was born 3/8/11, 8 lbs 8 oz, 8:07 a.m. (S says she sorry but she couldn't wait on more minute for him to be born at 8:08! Can't say I blame her!) His head was funny looking....not a conehead....more like an oblong...and he had a ton of hair in the back of his head but just peach fuzz on the top. We tease that he had "Papa's hair!" And of course, he was (and is) absolutely perfect and beautiful!) (Oh...and by the way...the nurse that S hated so much during childbirth....was the most amazing comforting and attentive nurse for the rest of the day. S learned so much from her and really grew to love her!)
G was obviously in love with his son from the moment he laid eyes on him. He is such a great dad! And he really stepped up in caring for S after the birth. S was in so much pain from the birth and she could barely move. She was bleeding heavily and after the 1st time getting up to use the restroom the nurse had to pull that emergency cord in the bathroom. (I always wondered what would happen if you pulled that cord....apparently every nurse and aide on the floor comes running!) They caught her from falling and and got her back into bed in a moment of controlled chaos. So they didnt let her get up without a nurse until the next day. When they finally did...G took control. He filled her waterbottle, prepared her pad, changed her pads...I mean he did everything! He also took over with Austin....changing him, burping him and dressing him. He could swaddle him better that any of us! I say all of this because I saw a new side to my son. One I hoped would be there...but wasn't sure if it would. He was tender, and caring and present. I was sure that I would be spending the first night with them because I didn't think G wanted to do it by himself. But...he was very confident and they had each other and I got to go home and sleep in my own bed! Yay!
Wednesday...they said they could go home IF A would poop! We waited and waited and waited. Well...we cuddled, took pictures, fed, S pumped, laughed and oooed and awed over him. Still....no poop. Gas...but no poop! Finally, about 4:30 he did it! Not much! But enough to make the nurses happy. So A was able to go home. We took Tahoe Joe's over for dinner (seemed appropriate!) and got them settled and headed home ourselves. S found nursing extremely difficult because A would not stay latched. I got her a breast pump and she has found that pumping and the bottle seems to make the most sense for them. They have been doing an amazing job ever since. I am so blessed to have S be the mother of my grandbaby! And so proud of G. And so in love with A!!!!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
He's Here!!!!!
Once again another baby boy has joined our family. AJB born 3/8 - 8#8oz - 21 inches and a big head! So beautiful........so sweet......I am so in love! Birth story to follow after some sleep.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
It Is What It Is (but do I have to take it?)
Dear Son,
I wanted to write a letter to you and actually mail it....but your father says that that it is not worth my time. And it may even be throwing gasoline onto an already raging fire. He also says that it would change nothing and you wouldn't even begin to comprehend it. So I will blog it. I will say here what I want to say to you and maybe someday you will read it and you will understand and maybe even thank me for my high expectations and my desire to hold you accountable.
Where do I start? I guess going way back in history is too far.....so I will start with 3 months ago. When you stated that you were off drugs and were "back to normal" and we agreed to move you home. This agreement came with stipulations that you were more than happy to agree to.. But once we started requesting that you keep your end of the bargain...it was like pulling teeth....my own teeth. Painful and fruitless. Well....once or twice you would do what we asked...but only after much bargaining and discussion. Never did you follow thru without us requesting over and over....and then things never did add up.
Then the checking account: Constantly overdrawn at $34 everytime...how long did you think you could keep doing this?
Now to more recent. Starting with the fact that the original date for a momentus occasion was on February 23rd. But sometime around Feb 1st you started saying that it was going to happen much sooner. Then you "borrowed" $500 and needed it immediately and promised the payback. Well the payback never happened....the occasion actually happened on the correct date (as we should have known) and once again we were taken.
We called you last Wednesday night and told you specifically to put money in your checking account. Sure....I will take care of it....no problem. You didn't....we ended up paying for your neglect.
You came here briefly to pick up a car from us after destroying you own....and immediately fell back into old patterns...even after I asked you not to in front of C. (Speaking of C....i brought him and not J over to see you hours later than I had planned. I found it very interesting that only A called to ask where I was....you never did. In fact you and I never even discussed whether or not you were even going to see them. I honestly think that now you never had any intention. I think I surprised you by my plan for them to see you. I think you would have been happier to have not seen them Just my observation.) You almost drove drunk in the car we gave you saved only by the fact that your brother stopped you. You rewarded him by stealing his clothes.
Which by the way...you lied about when confronted and had your girlfriend call me and tell me that she "found" them under the seat of the car and you have no idea how they got there! Mmmmmm?
And today....you text to tell me your water bill is due today and you must have $88 before 3:00. How many times have I asked to you let me know the bills in plenty of time so I can pay them? I refused to send the money immediately and told you that I would put money in your account....but if I found the account to be overdrawn you were on your own....period. Well it was and you are.
I will continue to pay the bills.....for now. I will not give you 1 red cent. Dad and I are agreed on this. Will it be hard to keep this resolve? Yes. You will be angry and say mean and horrible things. You will threaten us with all kinds of harm and retribution. But...maybe...you will also grow up, mature, aquire your own self worth and maybe even some integrity. Or not.
Dad says that you only live in the moment. You never look ahead. You never weigh the consequences. You don't plan. You are used to asking and used to getting. You never consider other peoples feelings or plans or situations. You compare yourself to everybody else and try to puff yourself up to be better than others. You lie, cheat and steal. You are jealous and feel entitled. You are an addict...whether or not it's to Meth, pain killers or alcohol. You make no effort to discipline yourself and lash out at those who would try to do it for you. You are a two year old in a 31 year old body.
Things are going to be quite difficult for awhile. But one thing will not change. I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. One day...someday....you will grow to understand this. If I am still around I would love to hear it from you....but if I'm gone....share it with somebody. Perhaps your own children....who sometimes seem to make the same mistakes that their parents made. Mmmmm?
I wanted to write a letter to you and actually mail it....but your father says that that it is not worth my time. And it may even be throwing gasoline onto an already raging fire. He also says that it would change nothing and you wouldn't even begin to comprehend it. So I will blog it. I will say here what I want to say to you and maybe someday you will read it and you will understand and maybe even thank me for my high expectations and my desire to hold you accountable.
Where do I start? I guess going way back in history is too far.....so I will start with 3 months ago. When you stated that you were off drugs and were "back to normal" and we agreed to move you home. This agreement came with stipulations that you were more than happy to agree to.. But once we started requesting that you keep your end of the bargain...it was like pulling teeth....my own teeth. Painful and fruitless. Well....once or twice you would do what we asked...but only after much bargaining and discussion. Never did you follow thru without us requesting over and over....and then things never did add up.
Then the checking account: Constantly overdrawn at $34 everytime...how long did you think you could keep doing this?
Now to more recent. Starting with the fact that the original date for a momentus occasion was on February 23rd. But sometime around Feb 1st you started saying that it was going to happen much sooner. Then you "borrowed" $500 and needed it immediately and promised the payback. Well the payback never happened....the occasion actually happened on the correct date (as we should have known) and once again we were taken.
We called you last Wednesday night and told you specifically to put money in your checking account. Sure....I will take care of it....no problem. You didn't....we ended up paying for your neglect.
You came here briefly to pick up a car from us after destroying you own....and immediately fell back into old patterns...even after I asked you not to in front of C. (Speaking of C....i brought him and not J over to see you hours later than I had planned. I found it very interesting that only A called to ask where I was....you never did. In fact you and I never even discussed whether or not you were even going to see them. I honestly think that now you never had any intention. I think I surprised you by my plan for them to see you. I think you would have been happier to have not seen them Just my observation.) You almost drove drunk in the car we gave you saved only by the fact that your brother stopped you. You rewarded him by stealing his clothes.
Which by the way...you lied about when confronted and had your girlfriend call me and tell me that she "found" them under the seat of the car and you have no idea how they got there! Mmmmmm?
And today....you text to tell me your water bill is due today and you must have $88 before 3:00. How many times have I asked to you let me know the bills in plenty of time so I can pay them? I refused to send the money immediately and told you that I would put money in your account....but if I found the account to be overdrawn you were on your own....period. Well it was and you are.
I will continue to pay the bills.....for now. I will not give you 1 red cent. Dad and I are agreed on this. Will it be hard to keep this resolve? Yes. You will be angry and say mean and horrible things. You will threaten us with all kinds of harm and retribution. But...maybe...you will also grow up, mature, aquire your own self worth and maybe even some integrity. Or not.
Dad says that you only live in the moment. You never look ahead. You never weigh the consequences. You don't plan. You are used to asking and used to getting. You never consider other peoples feelings or plans or situations. You compare yourself to everybody else and try to puff yourself up to be better than others. You lie, cheat and steal. You are jealous and feel entitled. You are an addict...whether or not it's to Meth, pain killers or alcohol. You make no effort to discipline yourself and lash out at those who would try to do it for you. You are a two year old in a 31 year old body.
Things are going to be quite difficult for awhile. But one thing will not change. I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. One day...someday....you will grow to understand this. If I am still around I would love to hear it from you....but if I'm gone....share it with somebody. Perhaps your own children....who sometimes seem to make the same mistakes that their parents made. Mmmmm?
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