It Is What It Is (but do I have to take it?)

Dear Son,

I wanted to write a letter to you and actually mail it....but your father says that that it is not worth my time.  And it may even be throwing gasoline onto an already raging fire.  He also says that it would change nothing and you wouldn't even begin to comprehend it.  So I will blog it.  I will say here what I want to say to  you and maybe someday you will read it and you will understand and maybe even thank me for my high expectations and my desire to hold you accountable.

Where do I start?  I guess going way back in history is too far.....so I will start with 3 months ago.  When you stated that you were off drugs and were "back to normal" and we agreed to move you home.  This agreement came with stipulations that you were more than happy to agree to..  But once we started requesting that you keep your end of the bargain...it was like pulling teeth....my own teeth.  Painful and fruitless.  Well....once or twice you would do what we asked...but only after much bargaining and discussion.  Never did you follow thru without us requesting over and over....and then things never did add up.

Then the checking account:  Constantly overdrawn at $34 everytime...how long did you think you could keep doing this?

Now to more recent.  Starting with the fact that the original date for a momentus occasion was on February 23rd.  But sometime around Feb 1st you started saying that it was going to happen much sooner.  Then you "borrowed" $500 and needed it immediately and promised the payback.  Well the payback never happened....the occasion actually happened on the correct date (as we should have known) and once again we were taken. 

We called you last Wednesday night and told you specifically to put money in your checking account.  Sure....I will take care of it....no problem.  You didn't....we ended up paying for your neglect. 

You came here briefly to pick up a car from us after destroying you own....and immediately fell back into old patterns...even after I asked you not to in front of C.  (Speaking of C....i brought him and not J over to see you hours later than I had planned.  I found it very interesting that only A called to ask where I was....you never did.  In fact you and I never even discussed whether or not you were even going to see them.  I honestly think that now you never had any intention.  I think I surprised you by my plan for them to see you.  I think you would have been happier to have not seen them  Just my observation.) You almost drove drunk in the car we gave you saved only by the fact that your brother stopped you.  You rewarded him by stealing his clothes.

Which by the way...you lied about when confronted and had your girlfriend call me and tell me that she "found" them under the seat of the car and you have no idea how they got there! Mmmmmm? 

And today....you text to tell me your water bill is due today and you must have $88 before 3:00.  How many times have I asked to you let me know the bills in plenty of time so I can pay them?  I refused to send the money immediately and told you that I would put money in your account....but if I found the account to be overdrawn you were on your own....period.  Well it was and you are. 

I will continue to pay the bills.....for now.  I will not give you 1 red cent.  Dad and I are agreed on this.  Will it be hard to keep this resolve?  Yes.  You will be angry and say mean and horrible things.  You will threaten us with all kinds of harm and retribution.  But...maybe...you will also grow up, mature, aquire your own self worth and maybe even some integrity.  Or not. 

Dad says that you only live in the moment.  You never look ahead.  You never weigh the consequences.  You don't plan.  You are used to asking and used to getting.  You never consider other peoples feelings or plans or situations.  You compare yourself to everybody else and try to puff yourself up to be better than others.  You lie, cheat and steal.  You are jealous and feel entitled.  You are an addict...whether or not it's to Meth, pain killers or alcohol.  You make no effort to discipline yourself and lash out at those who would try to do it for you.  You are a two year old in a 31 year old body. 

Things are going to be quite difficult for awhile.  But one thing will not change.  I love you.  I have always loved you.  I will always love you.  One day...someday....you will grow to understand this.  If I am still around I would love to hear it from you....but if I'm gone....share it with somebody.  Perhaps your own children....who sometimes seem to make the same mistakes that their parents made.  Mmmmm?