Lessons Learned

There are some things that I regret,

Some words I wish had gone unsaid,

Some starts,

That could have had some better endings,

Been some bad times I've been through,

Damage I cannot undo.

Some things,

I wish I could do all over again,

But it doesn't really matter,

When life gets that much harder,

It makes you that much stronger,

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were,

Lessons learned.

Every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,

Every change, life has thrown me,

I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,

I'm grateful, for every scar,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned.

There are mistakes that I have made,

Some chances I just threw away,

Some roads,

I never should have taken,

Been some signs I didn't see,

Hearts that I hurt needlessly,

Some wounds,

That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,

But it doesn't make a difference,

The past can't be rewritten,

You get the life you're given,

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were,

Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,

Every change, life has thrown me,

I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,

I'm grateful, for every scar,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,

Are the things that make you strong!

You can't change the past,

Cause it's gone.

And you just gotta move on,

Because it's all

Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,

From every change, life has thrown me.

I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,

I'm grateful, for every scar,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned,

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned,

Lessons learned.

Lessons learned.

(Song written by Diane Warren)

Working Out

So I have started back to the gym.  Seriously!  I hired a nutritionist and a personal trainer.  I work out with the latter on Mon and Wed....group class on Tues and Thurs....and nutritionist and cardio on Friday.  So far I've lost 3 pounds and 7.25 inches.  Not bad....not good....but not bad!   K - my personal trainer - kicks my butt!  My first goal is to get under 200 pounds so I can have my hernia surgery.  Then after recuperating from that I plan on continuing to lose so I can look good for J & M's wedding in June - in VEGAS!  Then after that....the secret that will be revealed next week!   So much to look forward to and I am committed to achieving my goals!

Broken Relationships

I've certainly had my share!  Some were intentional...on my part.  People who I couldn't allow to poison my life anymore.  Maybe because I had to do this at a very early age...13, to be exact...it became a pattern in my life.  When I didn't get along with someone I would just shut them out and move on.  Or circumstances like moving or distance altered the relationship and I just didn't take the time to pursue them.  Now that I'm in my 50's...and due to my previously shared project....memories of those broken relationships  have me running the gamut of emotions.  Sad that some didn't make it...happy that others didn't make it either!  Happy for those people that God positioned in my life for a "moment" to take us both to a more mature relationship with Him and/or learning to become a better friend, mother and wife. There are some who I've made attempts to reconnect with and am hoping for a new "grown-up" friendship with.

But then there are the ones that hurt, deeply!!  I miss the fact that my mom and I never got a chance to be in an adult relationship.  She makes so much more sense to me now than when I saw her through the eyes of a child.  I think we would have learned to cherish each other more and more as I began to identify with her struggles and the choices she had then...compared to the choices I have now.   I believe that when she died she knew I loved her.  I and knew she loved me.  Even though I'm sure I never understood the depth of her love and the depth of her sorrow in the choices she made...and the ones I made. 

2 years ago, when I thought I'd lost J...it almost killed me.  "Oh, so this is what it feels like to have your heart ripped out!"  Along with that temporary loss was the permanent loss of L. The pain of that time was the worst...but the growth and knowledge of what I am capable of both emotionally and relationally...was "almost" worth it.  The healing power of love that has built our family stronger and closer.  Right now my life should be complete but...

There is still one missing.  One who stands outside the circle of our family.  Who needs us for material things but ignores our need for relationship.  Who uses his children as emotional weapons and breaks my heart on a weekly basis.  When the girls say we should get all the grandkids together for pictures...my answer is..."But, they aren't all here!"  Later, someday, don't you think it will hurt them to see photos of the "whole" family but they aren't in it?  I don't just have 3 children and 7 going on 8 grandchildren.  I have 4 sons and 10 going on 11 grandchildren and everytime we get together I am reminded of those who aren't here. 

That is my prayer...that this one prodigal son would allow himself to re-join the family.  I know that physically he is miles away...but with technology and communication those miles could be erased a lot more often.  I want to know my grandsons and I want them to know me.  I wonder if my past broken relationships are coming back to haunt me....as you sow...so shall you reap.   Only God and time will tell.

Memories

Have been working on a huge project...getting all the boxes and boxes of stuff out of the attic....stuff I saved to sort "later" and then the time was here.  Finding bits and pieces of treasures...and junk...and trash.  The interesting thing is some of the things that used to be "precious" just arn't anymore.  I tossed all my Palm Springs memoribilia....all my Forest Home stuff....well I saved the report cards and pictures...but every letter I ever received....gone.  Just not interested anymore...and frankly don't even remember most of the people who sent them.  And I didn't want to burden my family with dealing with them later.  And they don't care about that...I never talked about it...and most of it wasn't very happy anyway.  Did they need to know that I went by "Skipper" most of the time?  Oh and I tossed the Campus Crusade for Christ stuff too....except for Dick and Becky's stuff.  That was special. That means something to who I am today.  Learned a few things about my mom, too.  Threw all stuff regarding J & C and DR....that whole mess....gone....nothing left.  Not a stitch of paper left of those years and years of pain and destruction and the legacy it has left.  Thought that maybe someday J & C might want to see everything we did for them....the fight we put up....but on paper it was just ugly.  I am reminded almost daily of the legacy of those years...and prefer to soften the affects of both sides by not leaving it in black and white.  Nobody wins...we all were damaged and have scars to show for it.  But God's Grace didn't leave us there....He has healed old wounds, patched up relationships and brought us to who we are now.  The family we are.  Still have one child who prefers to stand a bit outside of where we'd like him...but time may heal that, too.  I found some of my old writings...poems...songs.  Saved those for the kids to laugh at later!  And another thing I found that was interesting was that I found probably 20 or more letters that I had written....epistles really....telling about my life....pages long letters....that I never sent.  Even in my own estimation...they were pretty good letters...and mostly handwritten....why didn't they get sent?  Why would I take the time to write these essays and not send them?  I honestly don't know.  I tossed some and saved some...some that might give my kids insight into who I was at a particular time in my life.  Oh and the old crushes and boyfriends....Scott, Ira, Jim, Randall, Randy, Mike, Bob, and probably a few more I can't remember.  Love letters and cards to Gary....definitely kept those!  Cute papers the kids wrote in school.  Saved the good stuff.  Probably threw out some good stuff.  But in the end...it is just stuff....and to have reduced it by about 8 garbage bags (the big outdoor ones) feels good, too.  Probably being the mother of boys helps...my boys aren't that sentimental...at least not yet.  And don't get me wrong....I've saved plenty.  So someday....if they read this....they'll know....I tried.  And it's much better organized than they deserve, too. 

It's a boy!

Were you surprised?  Score is 9 boys to two girls.  We have a softball team + two cheerleaders.  His name has not been decided yet...but it may start with an A or a C.  We'll see.  He looked so cute all snug as a bug in his mama's womb.

LM is 8 weeks on Sunday.  It goes soo fast.  He's starting to smile, drool and still isn't sleeping very well.  I feel bad for M not getting much sleep...but she still has a sweet spirit and isn't grumply like I would be. 

One hour

Only one more hour and then we'll know..........

3 More Days....

In three days we will find out if G & S are having a boy or a girl.  I can't help but hope for the girl....I would love that...but I am loving the boys as well.  I guess since getting A and KS...it just isn't that important anymore.  S's pregnancy hasn't been easy so far...she's had a kidney infection practically this whole time, diagnosed with gestational diabetes, low iron and she's been in a pretty bad mood, too.  I am praying that she starts to enjoy this journey soon....and that we she allows us to enjoy it with her.  I am excited to see the ultrasound on Tuesday night....and begin to get to know the newest of my grandchildren.