Broken Relationships

I've certainly had my share!  Some were intentional...on my part.  People who I couldn't allow to poison my life anymore.  Maybe because I had to do this at a very early age...13, to be exact...it became a pattern in my life.  When I didn't get along with someone I would just shut them out and move on.  Or circumstances like moving or distance altered the relationship and I just didn't take the time to pursue them.  Now that I'm in my 50's...and due to my previously shared project....memories of those broken relationships  have me running the gamut of emotions.  Sad that some didn't make it...happy that others didn't make it either!  Happy for those people that God positioned in my life for a "moment" to take us both to a more mature relationship with Him and/or learning to become a better friend, mother and wife. There are some who I've made attempts to reconnect with and am hoping for a new "grown-up" friendship with.

But then there are the ones that hurt, deeply!!  I miss the fact that my mom and I never got a chance to be in an adult relationship.  She makes so much more sense to me now than when I saw her through the eyes of a child.  I think we would have learned to cherish each other more and more as I began to identify with her struggles and the choices she had then...compared to the choices I have now.   I believe that when she died she knew I loved her.  I and knew she loved me.  Even though I'm sure I never understood the depth of her love and the depth of her sorrow in the choices she made...and the ones I made. 

2 years ago, when I thought I'd lost J...it almost killed me.  "Oh, so this is what it feels like to have your heart ripped out!"  Along with that temporary loss was the permanent loss of L. The pain of that time was the worst...but the growth and knowledge of what I am capable of both emotionally and relationally...was "almost" worth it.  The healing power of love that has built our family stronger and closer.  Right now my life should be complete but...

There is still one missing.  One who stands outside the circle of our family.  Who needs us for material things but ignores our need for relationship.  Who uses his children as emotional weapons and breaks my heart on a weekly basis.  When the girls say we should get all the grandkids together for pictures...my answer is..."But, they aren't all here!"  Later, someday, don't you think it will hurt them to see photos of the "whole" family but they aren't in it?  I don't just have 3 children and 7 going on 8 grandchildren.  I have 4 sons and 10 going on 11 grandchildren and everytime we get together I am reminded of those who aren't here. 

That is my prayer...that this one prodigal son would allow himself to re-join the family.  I know that physically he is miles away...but with technology and communication those miles could be erased a lot more often.  I want to know my grandsons and I want them to know me.  I wonder if my past broken relationships are coming back to haunt me....as you sow...so shall you reap.   Only God and time will tell.