With the impending birth of my newest grandson and many of my friends children are pregnant and due soon...I've been thinking about the births of all of my grandchildren. I remember waiting outside the door of the birthing room for C's first cry and the sounds of happiness all around as those of us waiting burst into cheers and laughter! I remember the nurse handing him to me first...for a moment I considered keeping you...but I handed you to the other grandma...I knew it was the right thing to do...but I really didn't want to do it! I remember pacing in the waiting room as E was being born by emergency C-section...worrying and praying for both baby and mom...he was so tiny - she was still so sick I remember trying to get you to eat...you really didn't want to at first. I can remember changing your diaper on my lap...you were so little. Mom got better and I had the privledge of driving you both home in my new car. I remember traveling back and forth to UCLA - waiting for C to be born...and then actually watching him be born....what an amazing experience and he holds a very special part of my heart because of it. We thought he was perfect...but he had breathing problems and had to stay a few days extra. Then came one I will never know...one I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and cried and cried and prayed and prayed for 3 1/2 months....but the answer was no. "No, I don't want to have another baby right now!" No, I can't handle it! No! I am to selfish to care about "it" and you and life!" The one who I wonder were you a boy or a girl? What would your name have been? Dark hair like C or light hair like J? Brown eyes or blue? My heart aches to hold you, to breath in your smell, to feel your skin, to have your heart beat next to mine, to hold you as you sleep and dream. But...the answer was no. Then came J....once again countless trips to UCLA...mixed feelings...at first scared that your mom would make the same decision again..then resentment that she could choose to keep you and not another. Anger...I did feel anger, too...for C and K. How lightly they took the priviledge of creating life. And how uncaring for the life she carried and wanting her own comfort above the best for you. Forcing herself into early labor...forcing all of us to bow down to her whims, to change our schedules and priorities for her...resentment...yes - a lot of resentment building. Then I had to leave to go and say goodbye to my Grandma...flying clear across the country wondering if he would be born while I was away...would she take care of him? I made it back...and J was born 1 hour after I got the phone call that my grandma had died. Again, I watched him be born. Again rejoicing in the miracle that he was here...seeing how tiny he was and knowing that he wasn't OK...born too early...rushed to NICU and while C & K slept...I stayed up with you all night long by your bassinet...singing, praying, telling you all my hopes and dreams...all night while you had tubes and wires and medicines I held your hand...you were so beautiful! How was I to know that we would never have the chance to get to know each other...that your mom would separate us for months on end....even years. We have missed so much! And then came S. I was angry that your Mom was going to put her health on the line again...I thought she would die with E. But in my heartache for J and my joy in knowing that we were having another grandchild I soon put aside my fear and just enjoyed the pregnancy with your mom. Well as much as I could...Mom really didn't do all that well pregnant. But even with another very sick mom and another emergency C-section...you were born perfect and beautiful and almost angelic! You had personality from the get go and we often say..."what would we do without our S!"
And to the four grandchildren who I wasn't there for at your birth....I still remember the first time I saw you. For T it was when you were about 9 months old and your mom and dad came over with you...you had so much personality and were just learning to walk. You were in a pair of red zippered pajamas and your smile lit up the room. I knew then that you were mine. And you always will be! Then there was A...3 months old and plopped into our lives and from the moment your mom laid her eyes on you...she knew you were her heart's desire. We didn't follow any of the rules. We named you right away and rarely let the thought cross our minds that we may not be able to keep you. You were the grandaughter we had prayed for and we were over the moon to have you! Then came KS...WOW...what a surprise she was. She was just a 30 day emegency placement...no different that the 10 or 15 others that A had taken in. As usual mom would call me and ask if I wanted to go with her to the hospital to pick up a newborn...and 9 times out of 10 I always did! We loved going to the hospital and getting to take a brand new baby home...it was fun and temporary. We already had our grandaughter! But...I knew from the moment I saw you...dressed you and held you. I knew. I knew my heart was going to be broken because I fell in love with you from the moment I laid my eyes on you. But I couldn't say it. I couldn't ask your mom and dad to adopt you and have 5 children! I just couldn't. The month went by...and mommy rolled you over to long term. "Just so you didn't have to change homes until an adoptive home could be found!" Then we'd kinda hint and it...you know...maybe keeping her...but no....we couldn't....could we? Then we'd just say...we'll just wait and see what happens. Well...what happened was that your Daddy fell in love with you and HE decided that we couldn't let her go! God is so awesome. We never thought in a million years Daddy would be the one to say it....but he did! And now you will be ours. The one we didn't know we needed. We love you so much! I can't wait for the adoption to be final! And then there's JJ...only 10 months...that's all I've known you...but it's like you were always there. You just folded right in...you were a little shy at first...but you've come out of your shell and seem to love and care about us as much as we do you. You have a best friend in "sefies" and the two of you are soo cute together! I am so looking forward to our journey together...with J as your daddy...it's gonna be a ride!!!
There is one more to mention....one that I never knew existed until a few years after he/she was gone. Through no fault of her own...your mom was manipulated and blackmailed into aborting you...a heartache that still relects in her face sometimes. She was so young and her own mother had just died...beat down....forced to believe she had no other choice...emotionally betrayed by those closest to her...you were wanted, you were loved! I ask myself the same things...was this the daughter that was so desired? What would her name have been? Who would she look like? All the same questions....no new answers.
So there it is... that's what I've been thinking about lately.
LM...I can't wait to tell your birth story next!
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